in the name of love…
after more than a year i am back to this space to scribble down a piece of my memory. i thought i have lost my ability to express through words since i have left this space stagnant for such a long time. well, i guess i am the type that find it extremely easy for me to share out my feeling when i am in the aftermath of a lost love.
well i am not exactly having a relationship per said. however i did fallen in love just not with the right person. of all the people out there, ok maybe just guys out there i have to fall for a straight guy. as if the universe if playing a joke with me. they said everything happens for a reason but up till now i still having difficulties to find the silver lining in this.
it haven’t been easy for the past few months. ever since i confessed my feeling in last year november and of course getting rejected, i haven’t been the most cheerful person as before. it is like there was a hollow deep inside, a sorrow looming around with a sense of self pity. in some way resemble a cat licking its own wounds. of course i shall never deny every now and then i would ask the question why. why such things happen again after several years down the road where i swear i shall never blushed over a straight guy especially after what happened years ago. why i am the one that always ended up getting hurt. the one that left behind. the one that after giving in so many things yet at the end i am nothing but empty handed. from the roommate to the first ever relationship that i truly have to the one that i am so helplessly in love now. it is frustration talking i acknowledge that yet still one but help to wonder.
am i not deserve to found my happiness? to have a solid relationship?
i miss the time we laughed together. truly laughed out loud over something and chatted non stop without reservation, without boundaries, without cautions. the very clear definition of friendship, a good one i might add. although, i must said what i wanted is more than that. and so i did it, i confessed my feeling to you and that’s when everything comes to a halt. things changed. you asked my before have i regretted my decision that night. frankly speaking i am divided in half. half for no, i am glad i did it and shall have no regret for telling who i am or what i am and the feeling i have for you. one shall never be ashamed of the love that one have for another person. at least that is my belief. i felt like there was some immense weight being lift off from my chest. however the other part of me can’t help but to ask myself at what cost? part of me regretted it because what i yearn for, the connection between you and i is gone. we have restricted ourselves in some ways, more cautions with our tongues, as if we have planned it out before we speaks. nothing was ever spontaneous after that. it worn us down. at least it worn me down. nothing was ever simple after that. sometimes, no scratch that, lot of time words caught in my throat and i chose to swallow it down for fear it would worsen our so called friendship. if there is one…
ever since i know you’re leaving for singapore i am in a downward spiral. because knowing myself, after you left i would never see you again. i shall miss you truly, not that i am not missing you now. i missed you every single moment. i liked the way you smile and laugh. i liked the simplicity you have. the attitude you have about life and of course the way you look. though close friends of mine have a double take on my definition of good look, but for me your look is perfection in my book. i guess the chinese saying is true after all. there are time when i wish i could just hug you tightly, squeezing you in my embrace afraid that you might just vanish. there are time when i hope i could do anything and everything to shower you with love and taking care of you for the rest of my life. there are time when i wish i could kiss you ever so lightly on your lips or a peck on you cheek or a tender one on your forehead. yes, i told you i love you but you would never know the depth of my love for you. i am not the kind to easily fall in love nor to carry the three magical words around. but when i utter it out it means a whole world to me. and again you would never find it out do you?
my friend, i am surely to miss you when you leave. there are something special about you that made me feel in this way. i am sadden that you are leaving in a two months time. two months is such a short period of time! heck! i was never ever so happy when i met you. this short period of time brings more happiness than to what my previous relationship brought to me. you may not love me but i do. i do love you. that is one thing i can surely affirmed off. always…
