tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81002064101645436022024-03-08T14:12:15.129+08:00a rumination of life...click to feed the fish while i away...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-90283348551615545542015-12-13T23:16:00.000+08:002015-12-13T23:16:44.941+08:00Gravity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Like a comet in the vast universe, aimlessly drifting for millennials, without a destination, without a purpose. Till one fine day, it was caught upon by an invisible force. It gravitate slowly but picking up speed over the time, heading to a distant planet. A lonely one. As it gets closer and closer, all the liquid that froze for million of years starts to vaporize. Barren as it is, a metallic stone comes crashing down on the planet. It had burnt out all his has on his way to here. And now, it was nothing but pebbles and dust. In pieces, he is, he wonder, if gravity was not at fault here, he would still be drifting but perhaps in one whole piece. Is this what he wishes for, or this journey is worthwhile. <div>
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If was a short 10 days trip. But enough to make me realize how much I love you still. How much I miss you. Throughout the years, I thought I have moved on, having a date here and there but nothing ends up as a fruition. There has been a constant void that filled with your memories. </div>
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It was a winter season. So many moments that when you are freezing cold, I wanted to hug you tight. My heart screams with desires to protect you, to shelter you. I guess this is a normal behaviour, wanting to protect someone you love dearly. </div>
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My heart aches when I saw you in despair. I wish there is something more that I could do, to share your burden. But as life has it way, it is your fight, your journey. I wish to tell you, I will always be here supporting you. I will stand by your side if you wish to be. I never really left you. You are not alone. Stay strong and fight on. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-33752787322094588172015-10-17T21:45:00.001+08:002015-10-17T22:10:19.226+08:00Starting all over again<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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For all my life, I have been figuring what is the purpose of life. Why are we here? After all, we are nothing but a speck of dust in the entire universe. </div>
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It is a scary thought, at least for me, to think that my existence here does not in a way have an impact. To leave a legacy of sort, to make a change at least. </div>
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In a constant drift of finding the answer of What and Why, it always have me ending up in a constant flow of endless thought. I have always wanted to do something, to built something from scratch. From inception to creation, the process of researching and figuring, hardship of sweat and tears, resulting in an end produce/product excited me. But, I always ended up with, what do I wanted to do? </div>
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I knew that a nine-to-five job for the rest of my life is not an options. I never wanted to live a normal life, a cookie cutter life that has been instill since we are still a child. To get good grades and end up with a good career, working for someone else. Subsequently, maybe have a family. This kind of formatted life is not my pursuit.</div>
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After been in a workforce for 3 years. I am totally burned out. Work has been hectic and it took a toll on me. To be burned out 3 years in my job in such an early stage is not a good sign. I feel like a zombie in this rat race, racing to the top archiving through validation via a pay raise and a promotion title. Constantly, I found myself back to square one. Is this something that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. And the answer, has been a rounding no, regardless of how many time I asked myself this question. </div>
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As with many Malaysian, catching up with friends over a roti canai and teh tarik in Mamak has been a norm. Of so many mamak sessions with my friend, we hatched an idea to venture into a business deal. A partnership to create something that we both have a passion in. A vision that we both shared but different style. It was an interesting concept which we both loved. We are creating a branding and a style of our vision. </div>
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Hence, this is the purpose of this post. To document the process and journey along the way till we launched our product which we target to be in Nov 2016. Make it or break it. The future is uncertain, but somehow it does ignite my passion for life again. Something that excite me to keep me going, to push me forward. It has been 1 month plus since the inception of the idea. We are still very much in infancy. </div>
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I do hope that we will see the fruition of our ideas and visions in a year. </div>
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Finger cross.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">To accomplish great things, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">we must not only act but also dream,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">not only plan, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">but also believe.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-19930607030518684582014-12-29T01:28:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:01.294+08:00You're The One That I Want<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Time heals as the saying goes by. In some ways it does hold a
certain degree of truth. Perhaps for me it is still not time yet. Otherwise, I
won’t be feeling so down after meeting with you. I can’t deny the fact that it
was wonderful to finally meeting you again after almost half a year. After that
day, at your father wake, I no longer initiate for a meet up with you. Apart
from giving you some space, I guess I was also giving myself a chance to let it
go. </div>
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Yet, as it was proven again this week. I can’t let you go. As
much as I wanted to deny the feeling I still have for you, it still echo from
faraway memories. I miss you dearly. I love you clearly. </div>
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Sitting across the table, there are so many time I just wanted
to leap over and hugged you dearly and to tell you everything is ok. I am here.
Let me share your sorrow, your burden. Let me take care of you. All I wanted is
for you to be happy. </div>
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We talked for whole night, we shared our stories. I said many
things, but never the truth that I have been dying to let you know. That I still
care for you. That I still love you. That I still haven’t let you go. Instead, I
told you to get on and find your happiness. It pains me dearly. It was more
hurtful when you ask me to have my own happiness as well. I know you mean well,
but A, do you know that I still very much hung up on you. </div>
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I sometimes, wonder what makes me so crazy over you. What i
like you as a person. truthfully, i don’t know. i don’t know what i love about
you. but i do know being with you, spending time together, is the most wondrous
thing i have done in my entire life. being with you, brings me to places that no
one else can. i could look at you whole day without feeling ever so bore. your
smile, brought a smile to my face as well. </div>
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that day, at the wake of your father, seeing you in such a
devastated state, i cried at my incompetent to protect you. i cried for the
sorrow that you need to bear. i cried for the things that you went through. it
hit me right at my gut. i feel like i am losing you. </div>
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the thing is, i thought being apart from each other so far, my
feeling for you would drizzle down. but i guess, that’s not really what happened
here. instead, it amplified ever so with your presence. </div>
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you shows me that you carried our group photo of five in your
wallet, that you never forgot us. but do you know that i carried yours in my
wallet as well. the one i that i took with you on your last day in SPI. i also
have your other picture at my workplace. at home, i ping the rest at the board
in front of my laptop.</div>
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i feel like i am losing myself. i guess, the truth is i did. on
the day, i lost you, i think, i lost part of me as well.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-38830791865869154612014-06-09T02:07:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:01.297+08:00to the dream i once have<p align="justify">many many years ago, i dreamed that i would one day be a writer. published a book of my own with my name on it. or maybe under some fake name with a pseudonym of my creation. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i can foresee myself sitting at the corner of my favourite starbucks, sippping a cup of black and with my hand moving swiftly filling the gap in between those tiny button on the keyboard; creating a kingdom of fantasy, or quaint love story of two strangers, or a love torn sad melodramatic story while listening to my favourite songs. as if my imagination, the source of my creation would be drawn from all of this when those criteria was fulfilled. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">and years go by, no trees were sacrificed to fulfil my dream. i was caught up with one thing that most people have. life. it was like a tangle of string. binding me, bounded me in ways that i could not imagined. i was drifted away in waves and waves of endless ‘life situation’. further away from the quaint spot that i have imagined. from the cup of black, from the favourite song, from the to-be story of my creation. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">every now and then, when i come across some life affirming post. i would always told myself. i would like to write like this. full with intellectual, honesty and inspiration. then it dawn on me. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">life is what makes us who we are. life is the source of creation of my to-be story. to experience and to feel and to hear words that is not spoken. to understand what was truly being said rather than to just listen. to look beyond those glossy eyes. to just understand how people feel and how you make them feel. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">that is the source of creation.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-65333152703150826832014-01-20T00:38:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:01.300+08:00a cold embrace<p align="justify">there are time like this where i feel like there is a huge void within me, so vast, so empty that it drained all my energy. that i do not have the strength to go on anymore. there are just this deep sadness linger on after so long. and there is nothing i could do about it. i tried to distract myself with works, movies, exercise, readings all sort of activities to keep myself busy but that dark, gloomy sadness lingers on. it is frightening. it is scary. as if i could never feel happiness again, ever. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">the truth to be told is that i know what is going on. i know what is wrong with me. i am missing someone dearly. i could never thought one could ever loved someone that you never be with before. human being is a very strange creature i must said. or maybe it is just me. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">there are so many times i tried to drop you a message to check you up how are you doing so far in the small republic but somehow i just couldn’t click the send button. because i could not bear the coldness you have in the way you reply. the one word reply is the most heart-breaking part. i don’t know when we end up in this way. looking back the conversation we have when we just know each other is totally different. there is at least a two way and intuitive conversations comparing to the way we chat in the last few months. i guess that’s what stopped me to contact you. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">but do you know that, i still miss you dearly. this constant void and sadness is too unbearable, sometimes that i break down especially in the middle of the night. nightfall always has its way to let my guard down and just be consume with my emotion. i just couldn’t stop myself. the tears keep flowing in such an uncontrollable way. sobbing in darkness…</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">the most horrible things is that i do not know when this will pass through and it is starting to worn me down. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i have never felt this tired before in my life. loving someone should not be this exhausting. should not be this painful. but this feeling that i have is real. and i am experiencing it. a friend once asked me would you stop believing in love. i told him i won’t stop believing as love is the greatest things after all. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">yet, right now, if you ask me again. i would tell you this, i would not fall in love anymore. it is too painful, too exhausting when the love you gave does not reciprocate. enough is enough. i have gave in so much but what i did i have in the end. i am the one that always being left alone, the one that no one appreciate what i have done. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i just couldn’t open myself up to let myself to be hurt once more…</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-13792262541368753312013-09-24T01:33:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:01.291+08:00tessellate<p align="justify">what a powerful word. at least it is for me at the moment. i mean, the word does mean, to decorate a floor with mosaic using tiles. every piece counts.</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">dear friend, every since that fateful night where we have a heated argument. i’m sensing we are drifting further away, unfortunately so. if i have the chance, i would take it right back that night. i would shut myself and let it be. it is just not worth it for us to drift apart. though, you still insisting nothing changes between us. the only thing that changed was me. but my friend, feeling don’t lie. you have no idea how much i wanted us to be back when we could just be at ease with each other, with no awkwardness in between. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">it breaks my heart where once two friends that was close drifted into such a distance. now we barely speaks to each other at all. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">is a gamble that i took and it costs me dearly. i finally understand why some people would rather keep their feeling to themselves than to fess up. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">the end of october is in nigh. it frightens me. where does this lead us? would we slowly drift apart and become a stranger? or would we still keep in touch? </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">though, i have been saying i never keep in touch with people that i have fallen into. but the truth is, i have every intend to do so. yet, the reason i withdraw myself was to see how many of them actually think that i am worthy enough to be keep in their friend list. how many of them willing to take the effort to do so. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">sadly not one of them.</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i can’t foresee what we would become in future. maybe we would lost in touch. maybe we won’t. the future is filled with unpredictability.</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">my only wish is that i hope we don’t end things like this. like how we are right know. even if we drift apart at least it ended on a sweet note rather than on the sour side.</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i am sorry of how things turn out, my friend. believe me, truly believe me, it was never ever my intention to do so. you could never imagine how awful it makes me feel. how much pain it bores on me. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">if we never ever get back to how awesome we are as a friend back then, i am sincerely sorry. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">truly…</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-13198167965814872912013-09-23T00:28:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:01.288+08:00heal for the honey<p align="justify">ever since i stopped blogging since last year abandoning my music blog, shutting down my another years old personal blog and deserting this space for eons. i never found the right timing, or the epiphany to get back here to do what i love to do. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i don’t know, maybe life caught up with me. or i outgrew blogging. or i just never have the time or strength to scribbles anything down in words anymore. or maybe i have lost my mojo plain and simple. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">but never ever have i felt so compel to express my love for brooke waggoner . ever since i discovered her on 8tracks. i am madly in love with her ever soothing and immaculate voice. almost angelic at time. her songs just keep giving goosebumps over and over again sending chill down my spine. it is that eerie good!</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">tina fey once said that she believes that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich, but I think if she heard her songs, she might change that statement. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">what i really want in life is to sit in peace and enjoy a beautiful song with a tub of ice cream.  : ) </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <div id="scid:5737277B-5D6D-4f48-ABFC-DD9C333F4C5D:b2a557fd-f088-4cb8-8f61-a4ea63d591b1" class="wlWriterEditableSmartContent" style="float: none; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin: 0px; display: inline; padding-right: 0px"><div id="77d7fc8c-e7a1-4838-a008-5a4a5db684ad" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; display: inline;"><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxroVbjzeSg" target="_new"><img src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-vDxzPnoGJG8/Uj8kvqtbgGI/AAAAAAAAHhs/3DuqOEyGq-g/video486c053f0f35%25255B6%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" style="border-style: none" galleryimg="no" onload="var downlevelDiv = document.getElementById('77d7fc8c-e7a1-4838-a008-5a4a5db684ad'); downlevelDiv.innerHTML = "<div><object width=\"488\" height=\"273\"><param name=\"movie\" value=\"http://www.youtube.com/v/zxroVbjzeSg?hl=en&hd=1\"><\/param><embed src=\"http://www.youtube.com/v/zxroVbjzeSg?hl=en&hd=1\" type=\"application/x-shockwave-flash\" width=\"488\" height=\"273\"><\/embed><\/object><\/div>";" alt=""></a></div></div></div> <p> </p> <p align="center">Points of light <br />Shooting' through the tree-stained vines <br />It draws me in <br />To catch a fistful of wind and chime</p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center">Poised, unrefined <br />Delicate and loosely loosely lined <br />Oh I am a dreamer <br />But I'll deny it til' the day I die</p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center">'Cause all day long I heal for the honey <br />Waitin' for the one I love <br />The noons are hot with heartache aplenty <br />I'm lovesick and undone</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-63078216498079145092013-09-18T02:00:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:55.623+08:00what have i done<p align="justify">after so long, we finally have a heated argument. i could no longer hold back. i guess the same happens to you. perhaps like you said, i am pushing you over the edge. and it scares me. it scares me that this is it. the end. the end of our friendship. or ‘friendship’ as you put it.</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">it breaks my heart to see what have i done. trust me when i said i never intend it to happen that way. i guess, i was just overwhelmed by all the negativity building up deep inside me and i just burst. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i don’t know how i can make you see what i see or feel what i feel. i am not asking you to be with me my dear friend. the moment when you rejected me, i already know it for sure. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">but my dear friend, the reason why i am acting what i did was because i can feel that i am losing you, forever. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">you never shows you would want to maintain our friendship after you left for good. and that scares me. that put me in such an insecure place. i know i have been telling you that i won’t contact with anyone that i have fallen in love with because the pain is too much to bear.</p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">but do you know, the reason why i said what i said? </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i was waiting you to said, if you not going to contact me, i will contact you. even if it is a lie, it would makes me feel so much better. to feel appreciated that i am a friend that is meant to keep. at least it shows that our friendship meant something to you. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">did you realised even after we have so much talk on this issue, you are still waiting for me to initiate any sort of contact. that’s the reason why i told you, if i stopped contacting you, you would not contact me at all. this is how a relationship starts to drift apart. you may not agree but look around how many people have become a stranger after years of losing contact? how many of them have the awkwardness when they met each other? the conversation would just stuck on the good old’ time. eventually, people would see no point of meeting up since we just repeating over the same thing over and over again. </p> <p align="justify"> </p> <p align="justify">i love you. that is for sure. and i wanted to be with you. and that is for sure as well. and this is something that is not going to happen at all. and i know it for sure.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8100206410164543602.post-28906997193093150422013-05-04T23:20:00.001+08:002015-12-13T22:50:55.619+08:00in the name of love…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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after more than a year i am back to this space to scribble down a piece of my memory. i thought i have lost my ability to express through words since i have left this space stagnant for such a long time. well, i guess i am the type that find it extremely easy for me to share out my feeling when i am in the aftermath of a lost love. </div>
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well i am not exactly having a relationship per said. however i did fallen in love just not with the right person. of all the people out there, ok maybe just guys out there i have to fall for a straight guy. as if the universe if playing a joke with me. they said everything happens for a reason but up till now i still having difficulties to find the silver lining in this. </div>
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it haven’t been easy for the past few months. ever since i confessed my feeling in last year november and of course getting rejected, i haven’t been the most cheerful person as before. it is like there was a hollow deep inside, a sorrow looming around with a sense of self pity. in some way resemble a cat licking its own wounds. of course i shall never deny every now and then i would ask the question why. why such things happen again after several years down the road where i swear i shall never blushed over a straight guy especially after what happened years ago. why i am the one that always ended up getting hurt. the one that left behind. the one that after giving in so many things yet at the end i am nothing but empty handed. from the roommate to the first ever relationship that i truly have to the one that i am so helplessly in love now. it is frustration talking i acknowledge that yet still one but help to wonder.</div>
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am i not deserve to found my happiness? to have a solid relationship? </div>
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i miss the time we laughed together. truly laughed out loud over something and chatted non stop without reservation, without boundaries, without cautions. the very clear definition of friendship, a good one i might add. although, i must said what i wanted is more than that. and so i did it, i confessed my feeling to you and that’s when everything comes to a halt. things changed. you asked my before have i regretted my decision that night. frankly speaking i am divided in half. half for no, i am glad i did it and shall have no regret for telling who i am or what i am and the feeling i have for you. one shall never be ashamed of the love that one have for another person. at least that is my belief. i felt like there was some immense weight being lift off from my chest. however the other part of me can’t help but to ask myself at what cost? part of me regretted it because what i yearn for, the connection between you and i is gone. we have restricted ourselves in some ways, more cautions with our tongues, as if we have planned it out before we speaks. nothing was ever spontaneous after that. it worn us down. at least it worn me down. nothing was ever simple after that. sometimes, no scratch that, lot of time words caught in my throat and i chose to swallow it down for fear it would worsen our so called friendship. if there is one…</div>
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ever since i know you’re leaving for singapore i am in a downward spiral. because knowing myself, after you left i would never see you again. i shall miss you truly, not that i am not missing you now. i missed you every single moment. i liked the way you smile and laugh. i liked the simplicity you have. the attitude you have about life and of course the way you look. though close friends of mine have a double take on my definition of good look, but for me your look is perfection in my book. i guess the chinese saying is true after all. there are time when i wish i could just hug you tightly, squeezing you in my embrace afraid that you might just vanish. there are time when i hope i could do anything and everything to shower you with love and taking care of you for the rest of my life. there are time when i wish i could kiss you ever so lightly on your lips or a peck on you cheek or a tender one on your forehead. yes, i told you i love you but you would never know the depth of my love for you. i am not the kind to easily fall in love nor to carry the three magical words around. but when i utter it out it means a whole world to me. and again you would never find it out do you? </div>
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my friend, i am surely to miss you when you leave. there are something special about you that made me feel in this way. i am sadden that you are leaving in a two months time. two months is such a short period of time! heck! i was never ever so happy when i met you. this short period of time brings more happiness than to what my previous relationship brought to me. you may not love me but i do. i do love you. that is one thing i can surely affirmed off. always…</div>
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