a rumination of life

almost lover…

2012-02-25T02:41:00.001+08:00

and i look up at the night sky, the moon is no longer there. few hours ago it was shyly hanging at the horizon. it went hiding now. cupped my hand while i lit up the lighter, dancing fire illuminate my face in the dark. a deep inhale i have, white puff disperse right away leaving a scent of smokiness. perhaps, you are like a white puff, you’re gone now yet you left behind a scent, memory of yours. how i wish memories are like white puff. gone with the wind leaving no trails behind. bittersweet it might perhaps in the future, but right now it brings me heartache. i never liked the taste of smoking but i smoke when i’m under the weather. it is the only things that made me feel better. intoxicated myself with the 4000 chemicals that claimed by some scientists, numb myself to not be empathy. yet, love have it said. love refuse to be tone down. it amplify with memories that it feeds on. watery eyes i have then. holding myself back. keeping myself in check not to break down. but there will always have a rebellious one in the group, one managed to stream down from my left eye. that’s when i realize when i laughed actually i’m left undone inside. empty.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

call me by your name…

2012-02-20T02:38:00.001+08:00

call me by your name by andré aciman could be my favourite book for the rest of my life. if you’re gay, you can totally relate to this book. it was beautiful written and in the same time realistic with what is going to happen in real life. it was a story between 2 guys over the course of their life. i’m not going to reveal anything at here because this is the kind of story that you have to read it yourself and be provoked by it. those who interested can order from kinokuniya.. i believe other than kinokuniya the rest of the major bookstores do not carry nor help readers to order this book. i got mine from amazon though. if you’re a reader, please do include this book in one of your must read list. it is a very very very and i repeat very good book that worth every penny, every second, every energy you invested in reading it. i can assure you, you won’t regret. at least i am not. very few books managed to make me keep a smile when i finish reading it. with this book, i feel complete when i’m done with it. it was a beautiful feeling.

“Time makes us sentimental. Perhaps, in the end, it is because of time that we suffer.”

epoch…

2012-02-16T01:02:00.001+08:00

i though we have a mutual understanding that by agreeing to meet you on valentine was nothing special but just a friend meeting another friend. i even re-confirmed with you again. clearly, you took my present beyond the context. it was nice of you to give me flower and chocolate. but as far as i concern that was just a friendly gesture of you to cheer me up after the break up. i have made myself clear that i’m not into any relationship right now. i’m not ready at least for the time being, plus i am quite enjoying my old life right now. i’m sorry if i give you any false hope but i don’t want to continue to lead you into something that is not going to happen. pardon my truthfulness to break your hopes. i know you are hurt but there is no much i can do except to tell you that i’m sorry. even if i’m ready, i still won’t be with you because we are completely different. is like we came from different planet. there is nothing that you like, i like and so does the other way round.

I've no heart strong and that's why
Sting to miss and to mourn
Love, wild at its path
Sing

when love went wrong…

2012-02-13T02:50:00.001+08:00

“victim of a sudden impact are some of the hardest to treat, is not just the collusion that injured them, is everything after…”

i was in a total mess for the past 2 days. i thought i was fine and dandy until one fine day when i was stuck in a traffic jam due to some road reconstructions. as i was all alone by myself, somehow sadness decide to creep in. i tried to brush it off by listening to hitz.fm. but eventually all those remixes annoyed the hell out of me and it makes me felt worst than before. i end up sliding Birdy’s CD into the player and just like that…all hell break lose. i finally open the floodgate. waves of emotion swept me over. i wept in the car while wearing a shade just in case some passer-by will saw my vulnerability. when i reach home, i shouted in the car and finally let the emotion takes over. i cried out loud. every single breath stung my heart. i was in pain. for the next two days, i hit rock bottom. i was venturing in between despair and sadness.

i wanted to seek out the truth of why we ended up like this. where did it went wrong? where did our love went wrong? i bombarded myself with thousands of question including of what if? and what if could kill. it gave you false hopes and when you realize it you are once again devastated. i asked lot of question at him and eventually at some points i suddenly realize all this is not important anymore because no matter what answer he gave me i will never be satisfied. what i was truly seeking was i wanted to hear that he is sorry and he is wrong and he wanted to get back together. that’s the only answer that i was after. but i knew it was impossible because once a heart changes everything change.

that’s the reality. no matter how lovely you two were together, it has become a history of the past.

the thing is i guess i’m still disbelief that we are over. all this time i was still under the impression that we are good. still lovely as before. i can’t deny that we do have argument, which couples don’t? but we make up and move on. perhaps, i missed those subtle signs and didn’t saw what was coming at me. it all happened too fast and i wasn’t prepared for it. i just flew back from my hometown and the next thing i know is, i don’t love you anymore. 5 words. 5 words that completely wrecked my life. at the end of the day, i wished him all the best and hope he can’t find someone better. i was in shock and was at a lost in handling this situation.

little did i know for the next two days, when the realization set in, it dawn on me that this is the end of everything. everything that i hopes for. things that i have planned in advance could never materialize anymore. my heart twitched badly. the pain was unbelievable and intense. never did i ever experience something like this. i could hardly breathe. i realize i am going to lose him forever. this very important man that care so much and love so much will never ever comes into my life circle anymore, forever gone and it scares me.

this scar could very much change me forever. i get it. we grow with things that we experienced. but i can't help asking myself am i moving toward dawn or am i moving toward dusk? will this change my perception of love? will i love with reserve or still love unconditionally?

only time will tell…

Somethin' filled up
my heart with nothin',
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I can see that it's a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don't grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' every good thing to
rust.

2012-02-10T01:52:00.001+08:00

I don’t fear death but I fear heartbreak

terukir di bintang…

2012-02-09T02:53:00.001+08:00

you know when sometimes you feel like there are no hopes anymore when you crash and burn and out of sudden you stumble upon a book or a song that made you believe things that you once believe in again.

i find it hard that i am actually touched by this song, terukir di bintang by yuna. for me this is her best song so far, a bit zee-avi-ish. maybe that’s why i adore this song so much. anyway, i feel so loved when i listen to this song and i can’t explain why. i mean i’m suppose to be extremely down and sad and angry at this moment. but when i listen to this song, all i feel is love and happiness. it makes me believe that i can find my happiness once more soon.

Jika engkau minta intan permata tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang dari langit untukmu
Jika engkau minta satu dunia akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu pastikan kau bahagia

7 days after…

2012-02-03T12:47:00.001+08:00

7 days after we end, i wonder am i getting better or is just me that better at suppressing those feelings. every morning, this lingering feeling of hollow haunts me. knowing that you no longer beside me, i find it hard to face everyday life by myself. because, you took a huge chunk of me with you when you left, all my hopes and dreams is gone. the happiness that comes within no longer blossom in me. it had wither. no longer able to share every moment that i have with you broke my heart.

i don’t blame you nor hate you. you can never force love. but what saddened me is that you give up so quickly on me, on us. when i’m still very much believing in us, still having so much love to give, to protect you from any harm, you throw you arms up and let go. you didn’t fight for us. you let your love wither. you let everything crumble down. perhaps, it was like how you put it, you change.

forget you i will not and i doubt anyone will be able to forget people that they truly loved once. you shall be a crucial piece of memory that i will keep and slowly tucked away under the bed breeding dust.

thank you for the memory and the love we once shared. i don’t regret it. at least i know that the love i have for you was real and sincere.

look into my eyes and you'll know that I truly love you
look into my eyes and you'll see that no one will harm you
look into my eyes and you'll feel that I will protect you
look into my eyes and you'll fell that you belong...

the day after…

2012-01-31T21:35:00.001+08:00

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

I am done with my graceful heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me.

15th July…

2011-12-31T05:57:00.001+08:00

I just have to rant a little bit here! Why oh Why!!! One of the best love story I ever watched, ended in such way???? GRRR!!!!! I’m rooting for them for Pete sake! The ending is abomination! On the side note, please do watch One Day. Is a quaint, beautiful and realistic love story.

"they're talking, and their souls are having a totally different conversation."

when love is beyond words…

2011-12-30T04:16:00.001+08:00

Can I take it to a morning
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?

stole you away…

2011-11-24T04:37:00.001+08:00

There was a boat in the sea I knew

Couldn't believe what I saw was true

I swam out through the waves

Caught it as it moved away

Said I stole you
Away
Said I stole you away
Next time I steal you away
Next time I steal you darlin will ya stay

There was a change in the way you breathed
Couldn't believe you changed for me
And if you hear the sound of shooting stars protect your heart
Coz it burns back and turns back around

Said I stole you
Away
Said I stole you away
Next time I steal you away
Next time I steal you darlin will ya stay

I strum love of your soul
Coz I'm covered by believing by the things you see
He spent so long running but there's nothing coming
Turn around and run into me

Said I stole you
Away
Said I stole you away
Next time I steal you away
Next time I steal you darlin will ya stay

…

2011-11-17T04:45:00.001+08:00

we're taking turns
at shattering apart.
at least we're taking turns.

how did we get so good
at dismantling these hearts?
how did we ever get so good?

we dress our best
to receive their sympathy.
at our worst, we dress our best?

"time heals all"
according to these greeting cards.
oh how we'd rather time resets.

if we could turn the hourglass, we would.
if we could move a grain of sand, we would.
if we could find our way back, we would.

our minds keep spinning webs
of question marks and of regrets.
will our minds keep spinning webs?

i once heard honest words:
"though nothing may ever be the same,
the heart keeps widening for change."

a promise…

2011-11-14T02:37:00.001+08:00

and if our hearts disappear, can we burry it beneath us. give time a chance to turn our love into soil and let it be a new breeding ground for new found love. even if it is not for us, at least it is for those who believe in love.

i was here…

2011-10-26T03:53:00.001+08:00

And the sirens cut through the night, ripped silence apart. Within a second, the ambulance was out of sight. Not long after, another ambulance left. Perhaps, the first ambulance needs more backup or there was another incident.

I was here, standing beside the entrance of the emergency and trauma zone watching people in and out. Some visiting, some were seeking for medical attention. Some left with bandages and stiches, some came in with bleeding lips and broken arms. Some limp there way, some were on wheels. I can’t help but to conclude that hospital is not a happy place. It was a dreaded place for most to come. A gloomy place that signify pains and suffering and in some cases, death. Death linger with its icy-cold fingers searching for the less fortunate souls.

As I continue to wait, I can’t help but to notice a man in the early twenties squatting beside me with his head in between his knees and arms over it. I can’t help but to wonder what his story is. Occasionally, he did look up and I can saw anxious all over his face. I wonder what his story is. Some were waiting to be pick up. Some talked about what happened to their loves one, describing the injuries and all. Some talked about their sixth sense, feeling something bad will happen and it did.

A numbers of cars pulled out in front of the entrance, some to drop off patient, some picking up someone. And there was this one car that stopped right in front of the entrance. The father rushed out and carried his naked daughter which probably in five or six years old into the ER, the mother and the brother followed right behind. In less than few seconds, they disappear behind the door. With all these sights, I can’t help to think about the fragility of life; wondering how many life is going to end tonight.

Just when I thought there was no hope for life, another car pulled in not long after. This time two women came out from the car. One was pregnant, another one was accompany the pregnant woman. Apparently, they came to the wrong zone and was directed by the staff to the pregnant women zone at the fourth entrance. As they walked pass me, I noticed that the pregnant woman actually wet her long skirt and they were chit-chatting. Immediately, it dawn on me that, the water for the pregnant woman had broke. She is here to deliver. She is welcoming a new life. That was when I realize, things were not as bad as I think. Hospital can be a happy place too. It was a place to celebrate life too. A place to welcome new born. A place to prove the toughness of life, defeating some terminal illness. A place for second chances. And in some rare cases……miracle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But you won't let me.
You won't let me.
I don't want to say goodbye,
I just want to give it one more try.
And I'd do anything.
Yes, I'd do anything.
If you'd only let me.

smokey heart…

2011-09-08T04:11:00.001+08:00

and the ember glows in the dark, illuminating in my eyes. puffing out the white hoping that it brings along my uncertainties out from my system. i’m letting the dried leaves to numb me. pulling me out from this reality, a short escape into somewhere distance enough to have a breathe. to get a hold of myself once again. such irony, puffing up to have a breather.

god knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken eyes. god knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts.

behind those eyes, what did you see? did you see a battered heart? a weaken soul? a broken body?

in those drunken hearts, did you feel it? did you feel the ever empowering love yet at the same time slowly draining itself?

lights gone, day ends, night falls. fortunate lonely souls dispersing back to the four walls welcomed by warmth, by love. the less fortunate drowning with liquid gold and blowing white, toying with memory of what could have been. haunted by regret. punished by the ticking clock.

in time to come, i’ll be as cold as a stone, turning this good soul away. for i believe i’ll be better off alone. so reach me before i’m turning into stone…

let me rant a little…

2011-07-27T06:14:00.001+08:00

i swear after this friday i need to pamper myself. this two papers for this final exam is killing me and i do mean it. lack of sleep, stress, mcdonald, frozen pizza, frozen pau, instant noodles with hotdog and white bread were my breakfast, brunch, lunch, high tea and supper for the past one week. so i probably end up having my artery clogged with all those greasy junk food or diabetes. thank goodness i still can have a decent meal from those hawker stalls since bf is helping me to take away. is not that i don’t know how too cook. just that cooking consume too much time, the preparing, the cooking and the cleaning and i can’t afford losing any second right now at all. time is my enemy right now. as for my best friend right now is none other than coffee. i have drinking so much coffee that even my urine smells like one. but then, one cannot complaint of having too much of a coffee right? especially me!

the drip coffee is a huge disappointment. i can barely taste any coffee in it and not to mention the coffee is translucent. i can actually see through my cup. tasteless.

eargasm…

2011-07-20T05:13:00.001+08:00

if you like some alternative music, you should check this out! this are some dope music! it rad!

this cut…

2011-07-18T04:21:00.001+08:00

sometimes, i wish i am stronger or perhaps stoic in other sense so that i won’t be ‘beat up’ so easily. yet i can’t help it.

this hatred of mine is getting stronger and stronger every time. i feel like wanting to strangle him to death, gouging his eyes out or even chopped him out and feed him to some stray dog. i cursed or should i said, i condemned him and his whole family. yes, i did and i’m not proud of it. yet this savage beast inside me is enraging, wanting to bite his head off, sinking my teeth deep into him; piercing through his skin, reaching for his flesh and blood vain, tearing him pieces by pieces, watching him baths in his own blood. drained from life. i want to devour him to satisfy this insatiable monster within me that thirst for his blood.

is true when people said, the best way to revenge is to forgive. yet i am not that noble, yet. i’m still holding on the grudges that makes my blood boil and heartbeat to race. i’m raging every time i saw him even just by his picture. and this negativity is tiring me out. it worn me out. it causes me to sink in this emo state that is affecting me very much. it sucks! i want to feel less angry, less hatred basically just less negativity. but this cut from him, pain me from time to time. this action of him reflected greatly on me and the only way for me to ease my pain is to stake his heart with a cross. to cleanse the evils away. for me he is just pure evil, a Satan in human form. his actions is so evil that every time i talk about it, i feel like self-destructing because this suffocating anger of me is drowning me.

perhaps, all those while i have been suppressing my angers and it ends up bottled up inside me and now it is bursting sky-high. never in my whole life, i hate someone this much and hold grudges this long to the extend that i truly wish he is dead.

i did ask myself to find out the source for the reason why i hate him so much. i guess, it is most probaby he showed no regret nor remorse at all and still able to pull a poker face in front of me when he sees me. and still able to be so hypocritical to pretend that nothing happen and laughed in front of me after all those shitty things that he did.

i guess i just want him to taste his own medicine. i want him to feel like what i feel. i just want to inflict pain on him physically or mentally.

softly beating…

2011-07-15T06:00:00.001+08:00

quietly slipping out from the bed fearing of waking him up. i don’t know why but i just feel like blogging. i have this urge that i need to post something up, so i tiptoed and close the door behind him, making my way to the living room where my laptop is.

so here am i, typing this post yet again at this glory morning while tapping my toes listening to ‘i’m shuffling’. how i wish i can dance like that. quickly, shared the video in a secret group that my friends and i created before this song gets old like how all other mainstream songs. so, indie still rules! and yes, i’m tyring to shove more indie songs down someone throat yet he can’t stand it at all. oh well~

the funny thing about blogging in this wee hour is that, it makes me feel so peaceful and bliss and i’m able to express better through words. it makes me feel thankful for what i have now especially knowing that there is someone there for me with his embrace and love. don’t you think is funny how sometimes some small actions or details of someone actually have the most impact on you. thinking about all those moments stirs up this warm and fuzzy feelings within me. like how he shyly hugged me from behind before i left when we just met, or how he will play hide and seek with his dog in the room which i always said that is a pretty ugly stupid dog, or those nose tip to nose tip moments. small things do counts. a simply small gesture can have more impact than some over-the-top action.

sometimes, love can be like this this cup of latte that i made with milk, whipping cream and cocoa powder. it can be sweet, heavy, smooth and creamy yet at the same time it would have an unpleasant powdery, dry and bitterness once you tasted the cocoa powder. perhaps, this is the bittersweet that we all know. yet often people only willing to taste the sweetness and neglect the bitterness. once they tasted the cocoa powder they deemed this is a lousy cuppa. not willing to taste the bitterness forgetting that bitter itself is also a sophisticated flavour.

Lеt ουr walls crash tο thе ground
Lеt ουr greed аnԁ pride fall down
Lets take a hand, rυn straight through thе door
Invite Ɩove іn tο bе ουr floor

a black heart…

2011-07-12T05:16:00.001+08:00

it has been quite sometimes since my last post. it seems like my inspiration for writing had been sucked out from my tiny little mind, leaving me deserting this place for ages. yet little did i known, my best way to tunnel out my anger is still through words even though the demon in me actually want to smash his face and slash him into piece. perhaps, angry is an understatement. rage is what i feel right now powering by hatred.

all i can feel now is hate and rage. i can feel all those negativity fuming inside me. i’m enraged. and this negativity worn me out. yet, i can’t help it. i tried to content it; asking myself to cool down which in my defend i did. otherwise, that dick would have ended up with bruises on his face. seeing his picture, hearing his voice or even his name infuriates me. every time when i saw him, i felt like stabbing a knife straight into his heart. bursting the very liveliness out of him. simply put, i want to watch him dies and suffer. this is how much i hate him. and rarely people manage to provoke me yet this dickhead succeed in every single ways he could find.

people often said, beauty is skin deep. however, what i found is that ugliness is bone deep. and this dickhead manage to prove that very well. and i’m so regret that all those while when he done all those diabolic things i remain unmoved. i decided to take the high road. well, guess what?! screw high road! is time to tell him that he need to stop. that he need to be stopped. i did however learnt one thing from all these dramas he unfold. anger is good. screw those self-helping books that commented that anger is bad to your health. suppressing one emotion particularly anger is more health damaging than not releasing it. not to mention, anger gives signal people so that they knows your limit. how long they can push the button. how far on you can be mess with. and this time i’m not going to be a sitting duck. one more push and he will experience my rage first hand.

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on the side note, one of my favourite singer just released a new album few months ago. and boy was it good. personally, i think it is quite a strange way to post such a lovely dovey song together with such a hatred infested post. but in my defence, it is now 5.13 in the morning and i’m too lazy and tired to do a separate post. so here it is…

You are the only one to know me
You are the only one to care
You are my one and only
The only one I ever learned to love

eden…

2011-06-17T03:30:00.001+08:00

It seems like I’m abandoning this Eden of narcissism for quite sometimes now. I’m everywhere but never here. It seems like time is pushing me forward to do other things rather than to sit down and converse my thought through words. With some great indies playing at the background. I miss those moments. Those delicate moments where I can taste happiness and be joyful. It is simple and blissful.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining that my life ain’t complete right now. I’m pretty satisfy with it. I couldn’t ask for more. I enjoying it to bit. Preparing for mid-term, reading a book, cooking a meal for myself, having sinfully chocolate ice-cream in the middle of the night, sipping some cheapskate wine with potato chips while reading, catching up with friends over a cuppa, making a disastrous coffee, kissing, cuddling and… I’m just digging the moment.

Of course by knowing me, how can there be no song for this post?

But our words have been sharpened and we’re out for blood.

And our hearts have been misplaced in a secret location.
And we’ll leave them there for a while as we try to save this sweet, loving nation
Softly tear its heart, softly tear its heart, softly tear its heart.

worse or worsen

2011-06-11T02:48:00.001+08:00

Watching your love one dies slowly due to cancer or watching your love one slowly forgotten you due to Parkinson. Shredding the memories pieces by pieces until one day she don’t even remember who you are. Is like you never existed in her life before. Watching yourself slowly dimmed away in her eyes. Either way it ain’t pretty.

light...

2011-05-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

I don't know when, I don't know how I ended up like this. I'm lurking in darkness trying to find my own shadow. I need a getaway. A personal time for myself. A "Me Time". I need to breathe and feel alive again.

if I ever stop loving…

2011-04-28T06:09:00.001+08:00

at least give love a chance for us to remember awhile…

he did not rise…

2011-04-25T06:32:00.001+08:00

Two millenniums ago, Jesus was crucify on the cross and resurrect after three days, Easter Sunday.

Three days ago, my cousin crashed his car straight into a tree in the middle of the night. On the third day, he did not resurrect like how Jesus did. Instead, we blanketed him with several feet of earth. Separating two different worlds, the living and the dead.

life.

blindsided…

2011-04-18T03:21:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, we are blinded by our own perception on how others should or will live. How often we looked away from the beggars on the street? The homeless that slept under the bridge? The one that asked for our change when we are having our meals?

Few weeks ago, under some circumstances I was in a home of a few blind people. I was speechless when I saw the living environment. The wall are covered with mold and peeling paint, not to mention there was this pungent smell in the house. It was a horrible living environment but that is the way of life for them since their payments from the massage services are very limited. While in the house I noticed that they didn’t switch on the light at all. The only thing that keep the house illuminated were the street light. There I was asking myself why on earth they didn’t switch on the light at all. Do they need to be so careful with their money even though they are poor? Then it strike me, on how silly and idiotic I am. Because for them it makes no different. With light or no light, they are still living in a world of pitch black. I feel so ashamed of myself for judging them through my way. Anyhow, I’m glad that they are moving out from that house to a better one. Way better one in fact.

However at their new house I asked one question that I believe it really defined my intelligence. I was so deeply ashamed of it. In my defense, I asked that question in a automatic way since I was just asking that question on behalf of other person. But the moment the question slip out from my mouth, I wish I could slap myself hard enough till I pass out. Who the hell on earth asked a friggin pen from a blind person?!?! The answer…me! WTF! Someone kill me please. I feel so disrespectful to them. I was so automatically assumed that they must at least have a pen in the whole house because that’s the way I assume. Here lies the problem, I assume which in turn is actually just an opinion not a fact.

It slowly dawn on me that sometimes and somehow, we as a society can be very judgmental and usually we see things by our ways. How many time we sneer at those beggars and said they are perfectly in good condition to work for money. Or we refuse to donate just RM1 to a blind person. We judge based on what we see, not what we understand. We choose to believe what we want to believe and ignore the fact that they are probably struggling. We believe they are treated the same way we are being treated yet in fact we all know there are no complete fairness in this world.

I seriously need to change my point of view from that day. Because I used to believe that even though they are blind they still have hands and legs which is more than enough for them to find a living for themselves. Just like how we read it in our primary moral books with pictures of handicap using their feet to make rattan basket etc… But the fact is that, moral is a subject of idealistic and we live in a world of realistic.

crazy in the deep…

2011-03-24T16:25:00.001+08:00

When Adele’s Running in the Deep clashes with Gnarls Barkely’s Crazy…

Love happens…

delicate…

2011-03-21T04:39:00.001+08:00

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

We might make love in some secret place

The look on your face is delicate

So why you fill my sorrow with the word you borrow from the only place you know?

And now

We are no longer delicate

Everybody is watching and staring with wishful greetings

We embrace with passion

Listening to each other heartbeats and warmth of the body

You let your mind wander into dreamland

And I whisper the three words softly into your ear

This moment is delicate…

0210…

2011-03-14T04:28:00.001+08:00

Brick by brick the wall crumbles down, revealing a long protected heart to the world, ignoring the possibility of being hurt. It acts in trust, welcoming the strike of the cupid’s arrow, carrying the seed of love at the tip. The arrow hit the target and over time love start to grow within the heart. Fueled by the oxygen produced by the tree, the heart starts beating. It was alive yet again…

perhaps, it really was like someone told me before. He found you and You found love…

precious…

2011-03-07T03:25:00.001+08:00

I’m at lost right now. Everything seems to be moving at light year speed. So many things happened for the past one week and I do hope that I can pen down all those memories in this confine place. Immortalise by words and pictures. Big grin on my face while I read it back in future with debris of flashback in my mind. Those moments might define who I am in future.

Time does seems to fly while hanging out with friends and lover. It would never be enough. It was like a drug that made me craving for more. My little mind was screaming '”Gimme MORE!” yet time just shy away silently and I stood there like a child that just dropped his ice-cream. In disbelief.

And tonight is the night I realize I do miss you and I want to feel you in my embrace…I’m falling.

Good things should meant to last forever, frame eternally by time.

is good…

2011-03-01T17:11:00.001+08:00

I guess I can claim that my life is pretty much back to normal after a week or so of drama. Anyway, this is going to be a short update as I have a test on Thursday. Is been awhile since I last update. The blog posts had been kind of stalled for the past few weeks.

Anyhow, been listening to these two songs by Kazaky, a Ukrainian group. I think they are pretty gay. Nonetheless, the song is catchy with upbeat tunes and perfect choreography.

ex…

2011-02-19T03:19:00.001+08:00

You need to stay away from me. Period. Otherwise, I will retaliate and it will be messy.

Why must things be so melodramatic? Why most gay are so drama queen. GRRRR!

rephrase…

2011-02-14T09:25:00.001+08:00

Ok, let me rephrase my sentence on my previous post. I take it back what I said.

I do hate you after what you did and your existence is totally inappropriate. Hearing your voice cause me nauseating what more with that bitchy face of you and your melodramatic actions. Open the car door while we’re on highway? Gosh! Drama Queen much? It ignites my urge to punch you right in the face.

The thought of you, mixing up foreign ingredients into my facial product is just sickening and pure evil. The act is devilish. What were you thinking? Do you think you can get it back what you lost? Your time is up!

Jealousy is indeed one lethal emotion…

emphasis…

2011-02-10T03:14:00.001+08:00

I don’t hate you, I just don’t appreciate your existence.

all i need is truth…

2011-02-09T03:08:00.001+08:00

And I felt the tremor, awaken by it. How can this be, I asked myself.

'The armory wall is falling down, exposing the most vulnerable part. A beating heart.

Vulture set it claws deep, tearing pieces of flesh with its’ merciless beak. The eyes glow with red once it taste the salty blood. Desire fueled by the fresh blood, it hungers for more. Swallowing the flesh as much as it could. Yellow beak turned red. Spreading its wings wide in victory, shadowing the remain, like death hovering its victim.

...heart cease to motion…

which one?

2011-02-06T01:37:00.001+08:00

Love. or Love…

and she counts down to death…

2011-02-04T01:08:00.001+08:00

Yes, is Chinese New Year and here am I writing something about death. I just can’t help it, especially not since I finally met my cousin that is in her final stage of breast cancer. She done everything she could, however the malicious cancer cells have been too deep rooted into her system and have been leeching of her life every single second.

Is anytime now, she said the moment we met her.

Just like that, it dawn on me while we are celebrating this joyous festive, someone out there is probably holding his/her dear life, fearing the icy fingers of death reaching out from the rectangular wooden box. Someone out there is fighting for their freedom and belief, marching in the Jasmine Revolution. Someone out there is ransacking in a our rubbish bin hoping to find some left over from the reunion dinner.

At the strike of the 12am last night, I was standing at the balcony howling at the magnificent fireworks that set off by my neighborhoods, occasionally covering my ears because the sounds is thundering. I smelled like a burning charcoal afterward because the smoke is too much, visibility probably around 200 meters the most. Right now, everything seems to be such a waste. Yes, it does brings a momentarily joy but at what cost? A single firecracker would already cost a hundred ringgit. Isn’t it much better if they donate the money to those who are in need rather than burning it to lit up the night sky? Human being can be a strange creature sometimes, we rather waste the money than to give it someone that is in need. Perhaps, our ego is too huge? Is my money, I spend it the way I wanted to? If you want my donation, you better work you arse off before asking it from me? What kind of mentality is this?

A month ago, we bid goodbye to 2010 and welcomed 2011. New year resolution, goals to achieve this and that, to have this and that. We are just too indulge in our own materiality needs hence we neglect the chicken soups for our souls. How many of us, set up a goal to reach out to the less fortunate? or to just be kind and more caring to the people around us. Be less impatient, angry etc…you know all those negativities…

Probably today would be the last time I saw my cousin. Is a weird feeling to know someone that is dying soon sitting in front of you and talks to you. I just can’t help to not ask myself could this be the last time? or imaginably gives her a time frame, 3 months? 6 months? end of this year the most? or trying to form a sentence to comfort her…but all is vain. How can you comfort a dying soul? My aunt did ask her not to think too much. Really? Can you? If you’re dying can you not think too much? Not to think about the possibility of what not? Is that even possible?

In the end, I left in silence while walked on the earth that had already been covered by red paper wrappers that once a firecracker. How irony things can be sometimes…

May this year brings peace and great health to you all.

and off you go…

2011-02-02T03:30:00.001+08:00

So finally you hop on the flight and flew away, chasing your dream at the small continent while I chase mine over here. It had been a great pleasure knowing you and falling in love with you (once). Do I ever regret? Never. Is all good memories that I treasure very much. Here am I wishing you one last time though I doubt that you’ll ever read this post. I wish you well, I wish you good. Hope you’ll find what you seek for over there and remember be happy always. Smile more, my friend. :)

if fate permit…

Till then this is goodbye

i’m so bored…

2011-02-01T01:44:00.001+08:00

I can’t freaking believe that after I flew above the rainbow, over the rain, waiting for what seems like infinite of time in the airport, I’m back at my hometown embracing this boredom that seems like never ending. Can’t even imagine that I’m still going to face the laptop’s screen, killing the refresh button hoping that someone updated his/her fb status. Or waiting for someone to pop-up a message to me in msn. This is sad. This holiday ain’t suppose to be like this! GARH!

Here am I making another one. I need a sharper craft knife to cut the inside of the girl. I need X-acto! My Olfa ain’t doing the job that I’m hoping it would. Sigh…

Update: So this is how it looks like. Actually I cut some part off since the blade broke into 2 pieces as I don’t have any tool left to complete it. I left my refillable blades in my hostel.

an earlier valentine gift…

2011-01-31T01:55:00.001+08:00

Don’t be mislead by the title. I ain’t getting any valentine gift nor I‘m giving to anyone. Is more like my friend v-day gift. I made this upon my friend request. I guess she just want it as a comfort as V-day is approaching as she just broke up with boyfriend. Well, then how can you deny a broken heart?

There are a lot details that these pictures above do no justice about it. Darn low resolution! What I left now is some red colour paper to complete it. And also to figure out what should I use to cut the paper since my craft knife blade is broken! UGH!!!!

short update…

2011-01-29T11:52:00.001+08:00

image my ass…being comfortable is more important

Having my 3rd cup of coffee for the day yet I could still just fall asleep just like that. I need to stay awake. Am currently at Kuching Airport’s Starbucks waiting for my flight back to my hometown. 5hrs and 30mins of waiting. Sigh~ Why the air ticket must be so expensive on CNY?!?!?! Last year, my return tickets cost 1.5k. This year is around 800++ cause I’m not flying direct flight otherwise it definitely going to break 1k again. I think next year I better just stay back and spend the money on travelling rather than flying back here.

gastronomy…

2011-01-27T03:45:00.001+08:00

I have been meeting/ hanging up with friends every now and then for the past few weeks. It also one of the reason why I was missing from blogosphere for 1 week. Been to Tony Roma’s, Old Town Signatures, Ichiban Boshi (twice), Hokkaido Ichiba and Garden’s Café

Tony Roma’s (Pavilion)

Ichiban Boshi (Sunway Giza and Pavilion)

Garden’s Café (Mid Valley)

Hokkaido Ichiba (The Gardens)

I’m skipping words because I am exhausted at the moment. I have been travelling to so many places for past few weeks. I have been all over KL and Selangor areas, Sunway, PJ, Cheras, Desa Petaling, Bukit Bintang, Sg. Long and some other places that I have no idea what it’s called. And I’m posting this post because I’m so bored as I’m accompany my friend as she is afraid of being alone at the moment since she just broke up plus she is watching Vampire Diaries now. She is scared by the drama.

and i cut…

2011-01-26T02:21:00.001+08:00

so this is the rest of the paper cutting that I have made some of them are quite ugly…hahahah! Some of them are inspired by some pictures from internet.

let me breathe…

2011-01-25T01:36:00.001+08:00

I don’t hate you, I just don’t appreciate your existence.

You might be the cause for withering these petals.

Let it go

Is what you should learn.

table for two…

2011-01-19T00:58:00.001+08:00

I realize that sometimes I can be such a jerk and very impatience. I’m ashamed of myself. I once posted this in my old blog as I really can’t stand it anymore. But boy little did I know that I’m so important that time because that friend of mine (which actually is acquaintance that time as I barely know him at all) actually came and find me on Sunday night asking for a meet up since he is transferring to another Uni. At first I was quite reluctant as I was already very tired since I just came back from KL (been going to KL 3 days straight) yet I gave in as he was very persistent.

So there I was sitting in McD with him at 1am in the morning till 4am. Telling me how grateful he is to me for I was there in time of need. I was quite taken aback because after like 2 months plus I told him I don’t want to care anymore since he don’t want to listen to me. Then here he is now telling me how glad he is and grateful that there were 3 persons that he owed his life to and I happened to be one of them. Stopping him at the brink of his suicides. I’m so ashamed because I don’t feel like I deserved for it since I bitched about him. :S

I need to be nicer in future.

nothing much…

2011-01-15T03:28:00.001+08:00

So, is Friday and is N.Sembilan public holiday. Decided to go to MidValley and The Gardens with friend to shop for CNY clothes which I end up buying nothing at all except a bottle of sparkling wine for a birthday party that I’m going to attend tomorrow night. Other than that, is food and food and food…

Too lazy to write anything at all. Is 3.23am right now! Have to wake up early tomorrow since I’m going to Pavilion with my friends. Then meet up with another friend for the party at night. Have a great weekend with ♥.

i’m sorry…

2011-01-14T03:25:00.001+08:00

There are one person in this world that I really never have the chance to said sorry to. A person that is very important yet I mistreated him in every single way I could possibly think of. And that person is myself. I’m sorry for mistreating myself. To get myself into crappy situation when I actually can avoided it. To let myself get hurt over and over again. To not protecting myself. To not give myself the happiness I deserve. To not being happy for who I am. To not believe that I’m unique. To not appreciate myself more. And most of all to not love myself more than I should been. There are no one out there that is going to be like you. I’m in love with myself. :)

Love comes to me
Love comes and all
It's my hands, my heart, my lips
And that is all

perhaps i should make out with myself…

don’t lose yourself…

2011-01-13T01:40:00.001+08:00

They said if you love someone enough you should change to the person that your love one wants you to be. I don’t really agree. If it is bad habit like smoking then yes. If not, changing yourself to fit someone preferences is a big no no for me. I don’t want to ‘wake up’ one day in future and ask myself “Who Am I?” This could be a very freaky and sad situation to be in. For me, love is being who you are truthfully and be comfortable with it. To lose myself just to be loved and to love is just pathetic. I rather choose myself than some stupid misfired arrow by a sadistic cupid.

Baby, you are where dreams go to die,

and I regret the day
your lovely carcass caught my eye,

baby, you are where dreams go to die
and I've got to get away I don't want to

but I have to try, oh baby

name on fire and snow…

2011-01-12T03:07:00.001+08:00

One day our body will break,
One day our hands will shake.

If only blogspot have password protected function my secrets would fill up this place in no time. What I need is a tiny little box that can keeps all my dirty little secrets in it. It would perhaps be my Pandora box. Creating unnecessary chaos once it spills. Secret is what I keep, being cryptic is necessary at the moment.

Name on fire and snow, either way is not a happy ending. You either get burn and forever gone, or you freeze and forever immobile and immortalize into reality and passing time while being forgotten by the world. And you know what is the saddest thing? This is all your own doing. It is not a happenstance that you can blame the God or the universe or whatever that you believe in. It is a domino effect that you set it in motion from the very beginning. If you have taken the usual road, things would be very different and perhaps better. In fact, you chose the road not taken and hence we are where we are now, heading towards destruction.

I’m glad though since I have done my part. I have no regrets.

birdcage religion

2011-01-11T02:28:00.001+08:00

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie

and help me remember
the hope that i have compromised

please be a broken record for me

sleeping at last…

2011-01-11T01:47:00.001+08:00

Finally I’m able to sleep peacefully at last without waking up every now and then since I had finally settle my problems. Life is good once again that I don’t have to constantly worrying which had been killing my soul little by little for the past few days.

till next time, Sibu

Once again back to my hostel, still messy as ever. One day or another I’m going to do a serious clean up. It is time to clear all those unwanted stuff that had been stacked under my bedframe for months. Is a dusty heaven down there. Sometimes, there are things that are not meant to keeps. Just have to let it go when time is right.

perhaps, it should be ever let me go rather than never let me go

With every sleepless night there would be a song to accompany me.

when we were young
our words were innocent -
whiter than snow,
awkward and slow.
now when we speak,
we risk an avalanche.
but that’s not enough now
to reroute our plans.

give me more skins…

2011-01-09T03:02:00.001+08:00

Skins is an UK series drama that tells the story of a group of fuck up teenagers in there 2 years of A-Level. They changed the cast every 2 years as the student graduates from there A-Level. I used to hate it especially the 1st two seasons but I love the 3rd and 4th seasons. Though they are still lot of cursing, fucking, doing spliff, more drinking and going mental. But it was a nice change from US drama series which sometimes can be a bit over the top. However, US is soon going to have their own SKINS version. Why do they have to adapt everything? I’m just wondering when or are they going to adapt “The Secret Diary of A Call Girl”. One of my favourite UK drama. Anyhow, I just can’t wait for the release of season 5 Skins.

what if…

2011-01-08T00:42:00.001+08:00

So there I was last night, out of boredom and a little bit down, I just randomly viewed any interesting youtube clips. The I stumble upon the clips made by random people, facebook staffs, pixar staffs and google staffs for the itgetsbetter project. (in case you are not in the light, click the link to learn more)

Then it dawn on me of the possibility that would I end up becoming one of the bully or the person that make fun of gay people if I’m not? If, I just so happen to be straight would I end up be coming one of the homophobes? Chanting that gay are going to burn in hell. The place would be a better place without them. Would I become one of this monster that going all out with its teeth and claws trying to get a piece of faggot? I might even be proud of myself for doing some good deeds and be glad that those kids took there own life. It kinds of disturbing to think of the possibility of what I might be if I’m not who I am right now.

I’m kind of glad for what I am right now at least I won’t end up as the person above. Hurting someone else, kid, brother, friend, sister or even the possibility of mother or father.

i made lemonade…

2011-01-07T00:24:00.001+08:00

Waking up this morning with a sms in my hand phone. This is it, the moment of truth. The answer is right in my phone. A piece of information that only weighted 20byte, that’s like less than a grain of sand in this information driven society. Yet, it could be a life turning point for me. For the past 2 few weeks, I have been quite agitated and endured sleepless night and also lost of appetites which I end up losing 2kgs.

‘Read’ I pressed.

‘one only, mpw’.

That’s it. One sentence three words. I’m stunted at first albeit I have prepared for the worst. But it proved to me that I’m still not that quite tough. This is the worst result I ever get in my whole life of studying. I knew I had done badly in the exam due to some personal stuff that affected my concentration last time. Never did it ever occurred to me, it can be much worse. I only managed to pass a freaking 1 subject out of 3, and is moral. A non-relevance subject to my course. I failed 2 of my main subjects. I feel like dying for once. Like a slap of reality right into my face.

Now, I’m stuck. In order for me to get into my final year, I have to at least clear 6 second year subjects. I only have 5, meaning I can’t proceed to 3rd year for this coming semester. However, I can’t retake the failed subjects this semester also due to some stupid policy set by the UK university on the other side of the planet. So, basically I got nothing to take at all for this coming semester. For the 1st time ever, I actually feel scare of having no books to study. For a moment there, I almost have a meltdown.

Funny thing though, I’m scared shitless for days while waiting for the result to be announced. Yet, when I found out my result through friend. I actually feel lighter. Is like a burden had finally lift off. Though it is really bad but is the end, finally. The anticipation for the impact if the worst I guess. After the impact, the only thing is to find solution.

So, I’m actually way better than I though I would be. I’m all for positive thinking right now. Look on the brighter side, at least I don’t flunk all considering the state I was in that time. Also not to mentioned how I only have myself as a group member for the group assignments for the subject as I’m the odd one. So kudos to me. This can also be a very good test for me to see whether I would be so easily to beat down by challenge? Also my resistance to pressure. I always believe that things happen for a reason, for a good reason though. You only fuck up your life with your own hands.

Robbed my dreams and hopes as you can. But I’ll never be that easy to be beaten down. Dreams and hopes can perish but it would be like a phoenix rising up once again from ashes. Only be more majestic and beautiful.

A will is something I will not lose.

I’m feeling the day once again…

a week in a post…

2011-01-06T03:18:00.002+08:00

Been to a park with many fishes…

and yes that is indeed one big Arowana.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Visited newly opened Japanese restaurant with friends…

Nothing to shout about. The food is just mediocre.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First time trying Squid Ink Pasta at Cafe Café the same owner of the Japanese restaurant. I seriously think that the owner should just bought the whole building down since they already have 4 shops in a row and give it a touch of gayness. Yeah, they are gay couple.

with

and follow up at the lounge next door

a glass of cocktail, Rendezvous Lychee Martini.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay happy everyone, cheers!

never let me go…

2011-01-02T23:55:00.001+08:00

I still haven’t done reading the novel but I had watched the movie on new year eve and wept at the strike of 12am. What a way to welcome a new year. Yes, is a sad ending, quite a devastating one.

Never let me go is going to be one the movie that you either hate or love. As for me, I love the movie to the very bit. It is an elegant, beautifully and emotionally devastating shot movie. The story begins at Hailsham about the story of 3 friends, from kids to adulthoods. Throughout the film, it circulate around human emotion of love, jealousy, selfishness, cruelness and hopelessness. However, the major theme for this film is “Life”.

It a slow paced movie but with a dark and twisted plot. I guess people would wonder why they didn’t ran away while watching the movie. The things is, they have been “modeled” in such way. They had been taught since small towards ‘completion’. Is like that’s the way of life for them. Their perception of life is towards ‘completion’ in order to satisfy other people. (Have to be cryptic about what ‘completion’ is to not be a spoiler) They never doubt and regret. What the protagonist feels at the end of the film is that, she feels she had not enough time to live just like the rest of us. So appreciate what you have at the moment guys because you never know when all those things will gone. Live life to the fullest.

goodbye and hello…

2010-12-31T03:19:00.001+08:00

Is time to bid goodbye to 2010. A roller coaster year for me, up and down. Well, can’t complaint much is just how life works. A truly amazing experience, though. However, 2010 ain’t exactly my year. Too many unpleasant things happened. But is ok. I’m a firm believer that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. A very short farewell to 2010. Haha…

As for 2011, I have a good vibe on this coming new year. I just can’t wait for 2010 to be over and cross over to 2011. Practically the past 5 years had been quite a low period for me. For half a decade I’m drifting. With 2011, we are welcoming a new decade. So, I do hope this decade would be a great decade to be remembered once I’m old. I still insist we are aging like a fine wine! Not expiring! tsk tsk tsk…hahaha

I do hope my life would sound like this song, Fairy Paradise by CocoRosie. The lyric of this song is amazing, very theatrical and full with imaginations. I love the song very much. Trance and magical. Honestly, I do think that CocoRosie produced one of the best album for 2010. All the tracks in Grey Oceans are truly a gem. Definitely one of the album you can always find in my ipod, anytime.

This is the acoustic version, quite different with the album version

our plastic toys and our metal trees
on the perfect day you'll find the breeze
once blew the pollen the feet of bees
now cry the stars when upon the earth
their gaze might rest a nostalgic burst
a lament be heard through all the cosmos
of the dying planet with fallen foes

black swan…

2010-12-29T02:54:00.001+08:00

Just finished watching Black Swan. Got to said it is indeed a masterpiece. Portman acting ought to have an Oscar. The scores of the movie were like icing on the cake. It manages to captivate the essence of the scenes. The movie have a slight tendency towards horror, just a teeny bit though. It also have quite a lot of scenes that involved with sex and sensuality and ‘touch’. (notice the inverted comma) However, there were some slight flaws in the movie. Not going to mention it cause it would spoiled the movie, since that is the highlight of the movie.

a night well spend…

bubbly…

2010-12-28T03:50:00.001+08:00

can you not burst, bubble?

Perhaps happiness is like bubble. It won’t last forever, only momentarily. When it burst it’s gone. So enjoy while still can, seeing our reflections; mesmerized by its colourful surface. How wish you’re a crystal ball instead, capturing this beautiful moment. At least this memory would last forever. Just like the mosquito in amber. Forever stood still, forever beautiful, forever long-lasting. As if time never exist.

the clock is ticking…i’m outta time…I’m losing you

paper love…

2010-12-27T01:16:00.001+08:00

Been very busy cutting papers lately for my scrapbook. Still have many pages to go. Scissors is my best friend right now.

self-made scrapbook…

2010-12-24T02:55:00.001+08:00

Not satisfy with my 1st scrapbook that I made yesterday I decided to redo it. So, when to a bookstore and bought some materials. This is the end result.

Just need to put in the photo and it will be completed.

grinch perhaps….

2010-12-23T04:15:00.001+08:00

Would it be cruel for me is I said Christmas is the season to hunt? To hunt for venison. Rudolph would be a nice target especially with its shiny nose. Santa would probably lost his ways since Rudolph is like GPS for Santa. Christmas would be over and I shall be the new Grinch. No more Christmases forever. Muahahahha!

Simply because buying present is such a tedious work especially for someone that can simply buy the stuff that they want. The only thing left is doing some handmade product which is exactly what I’m doing for the past few hours. Am making a scrapbook which I think is quite fun. Just hope that it won’t be a disappointment for the recipient.

is not flare…

2010-12-22T02:17:00.000+08:00

This is my 2nd and 3rd roll using this newly bought Smena 8m and it confirmed my worrying. It is indeed not flare. Is the lens problem. Every pictures have the same problem. Sigh…I just hope I can have a replacement with the shop I bought from. I’m so regret I let go of my old Smena 8m.

All pictures taken with redscale film.

on the line...

2010-12-18T02:01:00.000+08:00

how long can the line hold?

I can feel you on the line
two cents short of another dime
simply calling makes two wrongs a right

oh our city has a face
a bright reminder of a time and place
when we dabbled in the games of give and take

but the line seems to fall
with the weight of us all
and I know you won't be holding on too long

never let me go...

2010-12-17T02:34:00.000+08:00

That was actually the tittle of the book that I'm reading right now. An actual movie based on this book is going to be shown very soon. So, I just want to read the book first before I watch the movie.

There ain't many things that is going around me lately. I don't even spend much time online since my laptop is still in the workshop. The hard-disk is fried. All is gone. Oh well~ * shrug shoulder*

Also I have been listening to this song by Death Cab for Cutie, 'The Ice is Getting Thinner' for whole night. One of my favourite from this band. It is just amazing how someone can wrote a song that is so lovely and sad out of something that is so lifeless. I couldn't help but to reflect on many situations in my life; relationships, friends, family and myself. The lyric was so well written and it really describe how sometimes we as human being start to drift away. We changed. People do change. Just that sometimes we failed to notice the process and only noticed it in the 'result' stage.

Is hauntingly beautiful

We're not the same, dear

And it seems to me

There's nowhere we can go

With nothing underneath

And it saddens me to say

What we both knew was true

That the ice was getting thinner

Under me and you

life as we not know it...

2010-12-16T02:09:00.010+08:00

Some people really need to stop with all the cruel critiques about the recent suicide case. I really can't believe what I saw when I stumble upon one of my acquaintances fb account. These were what he wrote in his wall

‎1 easy step to becoming famous on fb, jump off a 14 floor building.

haha, no offence, but whn i opened my fb. all i see is people really sad about the death of AK. come on! do you really know him personally?! if no. why sad then?. what he did was foolish and it should be a reminder for us not to follow such foolish ways. *pls grow up*

Are you freaking kidding me? What is wrong with people that express their sadness with someone that commit suicide? It is still after all a human being, a life that ended tragically. Assuming you are pro-life as you make yourself appear like that; considering that you're so objecting and critiques about suicides as it was foolish and should not be bother at all by the society. Then you should feel sad about a lose life rather than insult it more or even to the extend of making a smirk remark about other people that actually do feel sorry for it. The one who need to grow up is you. The above mentality is obviously very immature and selfish.

We as human being are creatures that have feeling. Do we really need to know someone in person to feel sympathy or sorry for the situation they're in? Of course not isn't it? Otherwise every freaking charities in this planet would end up with zero in their accounts. No one would bother to donate at all with the plight of another life.

I really hate people that is too judgmental. Yes, is hate not dislike. Hate is a strong word and I know it.

Often people tends to jump to the conclusion by saying this and that and so on. But do they see the process of how one ends up being at the 'conclusion'. Do they really know what is going on in their mind? Or what they have been gone through? Just because the outcome is unjustifiable does it means it is wrong? Is someone is to steal because he had been starving for 2 weeks. Is that wrong or right? Can the scale of justice actually be able to apply at here? If based on the above statement made by my friend, I shall assume that he is a deontological believer as he believe the ends does not justify the means. Then for him stealing would be wrong no matter what the outcome is. Stealing is always wrong. So, is no ok to steal but ok to let a life dies?

Most of the suicide cases actually do involve with depression. Considering the fact that he killed himself after the broke up, is no surprise that his act was caused by depression. Perhaps, he suddenly feels that his whole world had crumble. All his hopes and dreams is gone, perish. He lost his goal of life. His life suddenly become meaningless.

We all know how it can be when one is in love. We all have hopes and dreams that involve with the loved one. We have the future plan way ahead even though the future is still far away. Yet we planned and hoped and we practically made it our goal. We tried our best to reach that picturesque future. Sadly, we can plan all we might but life always have a funny twist and bang, the relationship ends. The dream-to-be future is gone. All hopes and dreams that once build upon it had devour by despair. We feel like our world is ending. We are hopeless and we start to lost our way.

Some people might eventually get over it, some people that are less fortunate ends up falling deeper and deeper. It all depends on the mentality or the mindset of oneself and of course it also have to depends on the help of external factors like friends and family. But here's the thing, with our Asian or should I said Chinese culture we often would hear a remark like this "Aiya, grow some balls can or not? Be a man can or not? You are such a disgrace for man. Just a girl you need to be like this or not? So many girls, you scare you can't find one meh?" We criticized more than we actually console. This actually make things worst. Bear in mind when someone actually open up his heart to spill out his secret, that need a lot of courage and trust. To make such remarks only force that person back into his 'dark and emo cave.' Is like adding the salt to the wound.

We also often deemed that tears is bad. It symbolize negativity. So, when we saw someone cries we would said "Ish, stop crying lar. Got what to cry for wor." An action that actually encourage people to suppress their feeling which eventually is quite unhealthy in long term. Not all tears is bad tears. Does crying really signify weakness? But crying in front of a person actually needs a lot of courage as we tend to camouflage ourself by not letting people know how vulnerable we can be. Crying is the moment when we are the most vulnerable. So, is that an act of weakness to cry in front of another person? Or it was actually a weakness for those who try to suppress it as they don't even recognize it as a feeling or have the courage to cry? Are they too afraid of crying? Trying to sculpt an image that they're stoic? Trying to make themselves feel better by saying "I don't cry", ego much?

There can be a lot of reason why he killed himself. He might get brush off by his friends like what I mentioned above. Or he is actually trying to make his girlfriend feel guilty. Or he is depressed. There are just way too many 'or' in this incident or in any cases of suicide. Things are always more complicated then it seems. People need to stop being so judgmental, stop jumping to the conclusion right away. Stop all the criticizes already. Gosh he already been buried. Is time to stop to keep on saying how childish or self-fish or self-centered or romantic or loving he is. Let him in peace once and for all like what I wrote in my previous post about this incident.

Note: Suicide is NEVER the best way to solve a solution. There are no problems that without a solution. It just a matter of time to get the right solution for that problem. There are time when things seems like the hopes are bleak but if you continue to survive there would always be hope for you. But once you dead, well you just dead. Nothing more can be done anymore and is totally not worth it. Here a list of suicide hotline just in case.

p/s: Some might curious why I got quite offended by those comments. Well, having experience 3 cousins that suicides and 2 end up dead pretty much explained it.

a little oasis...

2010-12-15T01:50:00.001+08:00

I actually just found out this place last month. It was such a shame considering that I have been in Nilai for almost a year and I never knew such restaurant can exist in Nilai. It just seems very out of place. It really does feels like an oasis in a desert. With a glance most people surely would miss out this place because it was so walled in. Just a small door that enable you to peek inside. However, if my memory serve me right I think they have a signboard. I stand corrected. Once inside, boy oh boy, is like you had been transported to a different world. It was a very quaint restaurant that have balinese styled decor with garden cafe concept. I only managed to take a few pictures of the restaurant as it was drizzling when I went there.

The food was surprisingly good with acceptable pricing. No wonder the place was brisk with business. Sometimes, the place would be fully booked. The ambient of the restaurant was nice and quaint and of course very romantic. I did some google and apparently Anthony Bourdain did visited this place with his "No Reservation" show crews. Woot, see I told'ya. It is good!

Do make sure to drop by if you so happen to be around Sepang or Nilai. Is worth the visit. ;)

Aunty Aini's Garden Cafe

Batu 16, Jalan Sepang

Kampung Chelet

71800, Nilai

Negeri Sembilan

Tel: 06-7791276

Mon-Thur 11.30am-3.00pm/ 5.30pm-11.30pm

Fri-Sat 11.30am-3.00pm/ 5.30pm-12.30pm

Close on Sunday

Candy Says

2010-12-14T03:24:00.001+08:00

I friggin need to share this clip because it is so beautiful. Beyond words. Am so moved by Anthony voice. The way Anthony and Lou Reed voice blend together at the end gave me goosebumps.

sigh~I think I lost Anthony and the Johnson discography. ;(

touched by love...

2010-12-13T02:51:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, love is like a hand-print on the glass. It shows at it best when the heat is at the highest but when the heat start to fade away the hand print follow suits.

is freaking 20gb...

2010-12-12T23:43:00.000+08:00

It was suppose to be a good day and I was so eager to see my newly processed redscale film. Then suddenly the computer froze.This is where those creepy music starts and also where the horror begins. Occasionally my laptop will jammed or 'hang' or froze, which ever term that suit you. So, I thought a normal restart should be fine. WRONG!

The blardy laptop won't restart at all. I tried booting. Nope, blank screen. I gave up and thought formating it. Nope, blank screen still won't respond at all after the boot sequence. Is pitch black! Gosh! Now, I'm freaking scared that something is wrong with the hardware or whatever that will going to cost a lot to repair. Ugh!

However, what trouble me is that. I'm going to lose around 20gb worth of music, that's around 2000 songs provided every song is 10mb which I doubted it. So, it should be more than 2000 songs. I did have a backup but those 20gb is my most recent downloads which I haven't backup at all! Am also going to lost a lot of memorable pictures. This actually suck cause I seldom backup my pictures. I know! Is my own fault! But what I care the most is still the 20gb worth of music. Some of them is so hard to find as the source are quite rare and last I check the source is dead. Sigh...

I just wish this is the last unfortunate event of the year.

nibble and bite me…

2010-12-12T00:14:00.001+08:00

Sexy Silk by Jessie J should be the soundtrack of a love making session! I kid you not! It is so naughty and flirtatious and of course a bit dirty! Smack! I’m so addicted to this song right now. Can’t stop listening to it.

Actually stumble upon this song while watching “Easy A.” A very fantastic movie if you guys want to have a good laugh. Is so friggin hilarious! Not the average American teenage bimbo movie. Not going into details at here. If got chance then just watch it.

The best part in this movie

oooo, burrr

shut the phuck up

2010-12-11T02:39:00.001+08:00

A lot of people need to shut the phuck up about the recent suicide case that involved with the guy that named, Alviss. Seriously shut the phuck up! I really don’t understand why there are still some people that actually went to his profile ( I think already deleted) or his memorial page to scold him about his stupidity and all sort. Really? Seriously? He already dead! Why still want to said those mean things about him? WHAT IS SO HARD TO SAID R.I.P? All those barbaric act is just disrespectful! Is as same as you step on a dead person body. Have those guys ever thought how the family members would feel?

Yes. He did made a huge mistake by ending his life. But it had become a written history. Nothing much can change anymore. Is a stone cold fact.

And no he did not try to have a one-jump-to-be-famed planning. He did not try to publish his story to the whole world before he jump. What he did was only published in HIS facebook. Most probably, an act that was used to try to get his ex-gf attention or even some of his close friends hoping they can hear him.

Most probably it was his “friend” in his friend list that freaking went and press the share button only then his story end up circulating in facebook. Heck! They might not even his friend! They might be just some random people that was randomly added/approved into his friend list. So, those people who said that he was just doing it for fame or what-so-ever. Seriously!?!? Are you freaking dumb or what?! Because I believe people that actually DO know him would definitely too busy trying to console him or scratching their heads trying to reach him. Not some, “hey my friend is going to commit suicide lets share it to my friend in my fb.” Geddit!?!?

What his doing was his last call out for help! He was hoping that eventually someone might actually heard his pain and tried to change his mind.

All those dumbphuck who went to his profile and scolded him before he kill himself should be charged with second degree murder. For someone who have the determination to die, scolding him would not save him at all. Scolding only makes thing worse and it would definitely affect his already very unstable emotion which without doubt would provoke him to do something that extreme. It would only strength the fact that no one actually cares about him anymore. You guys actually lend a hand by pushing him over the edge. You guys are murderer!

Stop cursing! Stop scolding! Let him in peace for goodness sake. He is dead already! Is there any good for keep insulting him? If you can’t freaking said a silent prayer for his poor soul then freaking shut up! Is better than throwing some bullock remarks on him, twat!

This clip is powerful. If only someone shows him, thing might be slightly different.

~r.i.p~

期。。。

2010-12-07T02:42:00.001+08:00

不经意

跌进了这漩涡

朝着涟漪逆游

哪怕将被这漩涡吞噬

迷失了自己

是我太懦弱

还是我太软弱

或许我俩都是

随波而流

漩涡是快乐

漩涡是幸福

可也剥夺了不少泪水

只留下回忆

模样早已不在

可感觉依然还在

君将离，心不舍

模糊的视线

将希望给没

couch potato…

2010-12-05T23:13:00.001+08:00

You ought to love satellite TV and I’m not talking about astro.

a cakeless birthday…

2010-12-03T00:25:00.001+08:00

well…not exactly. I did have a slice of cake that day but I gave that slice of cake to the person who footed the bill because I know he won’t eat anything for dinner after the high-tea. So, leaving the cake behind forced him to eat it. HAHA!

Anyway, few days ago (28th Now) was my 22th birthday. I’m old! The only way to feel good about it is to tell myself, I’m aging like a fine wine! HAHA! So, what have I did for my birthday? Well meet up with someone and celebrate it with him together. Went to Delicious and ordered an English High Tea set for two. Just chill and chit-chatted for a couple of hours, enjoying each other presence. As simple as that but yet memorable.

oh look! my chubby face! and the friggin horrendous new hair cut! I want my money back! T_T

if only it would be more painful…

2010-12-02T02:19:00.001+08:00

I stubbed my toe when I slipped and hence the cut. Is a nasty bloody cut but I don’t feel pain at all. None! I have high tolerance of pain but not to this extend. It did sting a little when I bath. The cut was kind of deep. Have some flesh hanging around the wound and I PLUCK it off. :S

don’t give me a kiss yet…

2010-12-01T01:48:00.001+08:00

because i need all the sleep that i lost during the exam period and the 4-days-in-a-roll that

hanging out with friends from morning till night. i’m worn out. so let me sleep before you

give me a pick-me-up kiss ala sleeping beauty…

(in my dream though)

begins with L…

2010-11-30T03:23:00.001+08:00

If I’m to fall, would you be there to hold me? If you are to fall, would you fall into my arms?

I know I’m falling right now even though I know very soon I would hit the reality and time would come and knock on my door and claim you for itself. I’m having a war with time right now and I know I’m going to lose this battle one way or another, because no one can ever defeat time. How I hope I am Hiro Nakamura where I can transcend time and space. Jumping through loop holes, creating some kind of wormhole just to see you, kiss you, hold you…

The ticking clock scares me very much. Is almost like I can feel you are slowly slipping away. Sometimes, I wish this is a dream because at least when I wake up, I will back in reality knowing it is just a dream hurt less. Sadly, it isn’t. It is a reality where I can’t wake up from.

In few more hours, I’m going to hop on my flight and fly back. For the first time ever, I don’t wish to have holidays at all. This would mean another month gone. And I can’t emphasize more that I need more time. I really hope I can stay, spending the last two months with you. Unfortunately, I can’t.

Friend asked me would I regret? The answer is no!

Future is too uncertain and to hold myself back for the future to not live in the present is just foolish.

No one know what is going to happen in future. Is better to live in the now then to live in the ‘if’. Life is just too short for regrets. So, I dive in.

I like the way where you just pulled out the chair and sit right down in front of me when we first met. I was completely taken off guard because I was busy with my phone not even noticing you were already standing right in front of me.

I miss the way we kissed each other gently before we bid goodbye and you naughtily bit a little of my lips.

The best of all is when you just suddenly threw in the magic three words in our messages which completely took me off guard.

Love, I wish you well; I wish you good when that day come. It will hurt like hell; probably I would die a little inside. But like I always said, pain is what keeps the love real.

However at the moment, just let us have the last couple of months before we bid goodbye and kiss one last time.

Love, I love you.

Don't you be fooled
I loved you more, than I would ever dare tell you, I'd ever dare tell you.
I'll let you go, I'm only holding you back,
You're more than a small town, you're more than a small soul.

my love…

2010-11-24T04:09:00.001+08:00

Is it just me or it was actually the song? I actually have teary eyes while listening to this song over and over again. Am I really that broken to be so easily affected by the song just because of certain happenstance that occurring in my life that turn out to be sour?

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

sprocket rocket crashed…

2010-11-23T02:20:00.001+08:00

So, here’s my 1st roll of film by sprocket rocket, using a negative film with iso 400. A major phail! UGH! It is so much harder to use then I anticipated. Everything is guess guess guess. You need to guess when you need to stop the winding of the film, need to guess the distant of the object, need to guess the lighting. Sprocket Rocket only comes with 2 aperture and 2 settings. The film do not automatically stop when you wind it to the next slide of film. So, lot of film actually end up being double/multiple exposed. Oh, and sprocket rocket only manage to take 18 pics of film out of 36 exposure because of its wide lens, 2 slide of films become one. In addition, remind me not to get negative film at least not for this camera.

*Click image to have a better viewing experience.*

Only manage to salvage 12 out of 17 pictures. My personal favourite are 11 and 12. My heart withered seeing all these sucky pics. Need to try more rolls of films!

redscale…

2010-11-22T02:06:00.001+08:00

Final in 3 days and yet I’m here posting my lomo picture that using redscale film from lomography. Quite a few end up pitch black because I forgot I’m using redscale film with an iso of 100. It end up under-exposed. Then, some ruined cause I thought I finished winding the film so I opened up the cover and to my horror it is not! T_T Anyway, here’s some pics. I’m so going to order more redscale. It is lovely!

can’t blame me…

2010-11-21T01:21:00.001+08:00

god, you know sometimes you really can’t blame me for losing faith in you. i can only handle so many obstacles but eventually one day i’m going to give up on you.

If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud
Or would you hide behind them all

green mile…

2010-11-18T03:45:00.001+08:00

final is not fun!

so stress out and i still have more than one week to go.

holidays seems light-years away at the moment.

i need wormhole!

free and happy shall be missed (at the moment though =D)

this few days…

2010-11-16T03:32:00.001+08:00

This is what I been doing this few days…

Meeting up with some friends on Saturday and Sunday over some decent meals.

Yes, these were all what I have for this few days. I don’t think I’m going to have any japanese foods in near future. Sick of it. Other than the sushi pic, all others were gobble down by yours truly (of course not on the same day). By the way, I don’t think you can find that pot of chocolate in Malaysia cause that was brought back from France. Is the same brand but different taste. Especially the KitKat, same thing but taste very different. It taste like they actually mixed in some honey in the chocolate, very sweet smelling. But the tastier of all is the Kinder in the wrapper. Of so delicious! Very creamy and chocolatier with bits of waffer inside! Not the kind we found in market.

My friend told me the inward V-sign means “I’m still a virgin”. Is this true?

Not a fan of mocha but Starbucks seasonal drinks, Peppermint Mocha is love. I have two but of course not in same day lar.

p/s: Not in the pic. KFC, Otak-Otak and Pork Satay specially delivered from Muar. Nom Nom Nom… It seems like my whole weekend spend with foods, foods and more foods.

p/s/s: I never realize The Gardens actually have a lounge at level 6 or was it 5? Is a coffee lounge where you can flip through the varieties of magazines and newpapers that being provided at the lounge while having free coffees. (There is a coffee machine provided.) A couple of computers for internet surfing. A nice place to relax after a long shopping day. The hiccup is you need to have membership card. The way to apply is to spend at least 1k in a single receipt. (if i’m not mistaken but is around that figures) No, I don’t have the card. Was brought in by a friend.

Do Pavilion have one?

weekend filler…

2010-11-13T03:23:00.001+08:00

I’m ~~running out of things to write~~. Ok, not really but I’m just very lazy to write anything at this hour plus I’m still waiting for some pictures taken few days ago from my friend. Is just that I feel like posting something but I really not in the mood to write anything at all. (not like I have wrote anything meaningful before ><) So, I have decided to post an acoustic version of “Tonight” by Lykke Li which is totally eargasmic. I only found out this version this morning when someone send the link to my mail. This version is way better than the version in her album, Youth Novels.

I really like the comments from the youtube especially this one “You need a certain kind of emotion to sing this kind of song”.

BONUS!

I crack every time the muscular woman shows up. I think that was a guy in disguise which was clearly shown at 1.53mins. And did I mentioned that this clip is so full with eccentricity and craziness.

There is just so much originality in her. Got to listen to her album!

p/s: There is a free download of her latest single at her website, just submit your email address and a download link will be provided to you.

dijo que me amas ...

2010-11-12T04:35:00.001+08:00

touching the screen again, the bight light illuminate the room. all my hopes gone again.

there is no unread message or missed call. i guess this is where it ends.

this bitter heart of me is slowly withering away, draining every ounces of soul that i have in me. i slowly curl my back into loneliness, hugging my pillow tight and close my eyes. is time to sleep and i whisper to myself…

…things is going to be better. don’t give up.

houston we have touchdown…

2010-11-11T04:04:00.001+08:00

The Sprocket Rocket had landed from Earth with love. To the moon and beyond! Ok, crap aside. I’m a bit eccentric right now. So, pardon me. Be serious now. Let’s start over ;-p

From Hong Kong with Love! And this time I mean it! My friend got this package earlier in the morning from DHL and immediately sms me “Is HERE!” I’m so thrilled. Right after my class, I went straight to her house. And long and behold, my birthday present in advance (17 days advance) from myself to myself. HAHA! I’m just using the birthday argument so that it will be legitimate plus it should be able to get rid of my guiltiness. But hey, I NEVER EVER have any birthday present at all for all my 21 years birthday. Not even my 21 year old birthday. Cakes and cards don’t count! Period! Sad right. Sigh…so this is legit though I have to fork my own money to buy it. Since I don’t have anyone to love me ( I mean the lover kind of thing ) so I have to love myself more. So shuddup! ><

Remember the lomo post? Yeap, I had bought the camera, Sprocket Rocket! What a cool name for a camera! An analog camera to be exact. Film rules! And lomography rocks! Very efficient and fast. Got the camera within 3 days. The total cost including the camera, 4 packs of film (3 rolls per pack) and the shipping fees comes to a close Rm400. Most of the films do not belong to me. The camera only cost around RM280. The films and the shipping fees that is very costly. Is all negative films, I prefer positive/slide film. Anyway, let the pictures speak.

a tiny seed of love inside

waiting to unveil

hello there, gorgeous

can’t take my eyes of you

grainy, multiple exposures, bright colour ♥

it’s so retro

super wide lens

one more time with love

*ЛОМО́ is intoxicating*

belated malacca trip pics…

2010-11-10T04:08:00.001+08:00

ЛОМО́…

2010-11-07T05:05:00.001+08:00

I’m in a deep deep shit right now. I don’t think I can ever get myself out from this mess. Lomography is something that you should not touch at all! It is addictive and not to mention it is so costly! The films oh the films! However, I’m so deeply in love with it. I’m a sucker for vintage and non-generic things. (Though Lomo is quite generic right now)

The Rip Curl Fisheye is not mine

I actually bought a second Smena 8m because of the leather case. You see the 1st one I bought did not come with the original leather case which is very a handy casing because it has a neck strap. I plan to buy just the casing only from ebay. However, the shipment fee from Ukraine is too expensive and is not worth it. I would be better off to buy a ‘new’ one (2nd hand, the cam stopped manufacturing in 1970s or 80s) which comes with the original casing. So, that’s what I did! Anyone want to buy my another Smena 8m? hehe…

Now, I’m eyeing another new lomo cam, the Sproket Rocket. I’m this <close> to buy it just now but decided to give myself a few days to think. Actually, had wanted to buy it since the day it launched. If, I really bought it, this will be my 6th lomo cams if count in my two Smena. I have my Superheadz White Slim Angel, Chelsea Maika, 2 Smena 8m and Holga 135bc. Speaking of Chelsea Maika, I just remember I haven’t upload the Malacca trip taken by it. Opps!

Such a beauty! Perhaps I should buy it as my birthday present. *Grin*

this is why we need art…

2010-11-03T04:51:00.001+08:00

breathtaking

50,000 words…

2010-11-01T04:24:00.001+08:00

Can I start this post with a lot of swearing? I believe I would feel much better if I cuss! How can I blardy forgot this?!?! I blame it on my assignments and too many yam cha sessions! Hehe…

Ok, here’s the thing. Few months ago I suddenly have the urge to sign up for nanowrimo, National Novel Writing Month which always held in November every year. I told myself that I’m going to participate this year considering that I’m going to have 2 months holiday. Well then, INTI decided to change our timetable; 2 months holiday had become 1 month holiday. So I’m swarmed with my assignments and my up coming final in 3 weeks time. How can I manage to squeeze out my time to write a novel of 50k words? Sigh! I gave up once on this few years ago at the very last minute. I thought this year is the year I’m going to challenge myself. Looks like I’m not going to make it AGAIN! UGH! Or perhaps I should just give it a shot?

Thomas a Kempis once said: “Man proposes, God disposes.” Really? Or should I take the words from William Ernest Henley in his Invictus poem “I’m the master of my fate, I’m the captain of my soul.” I think I prefer the latter.

corner of my heart…

2010-10-31T06:08:00.001+08:00

I thought you will be gone for good. Forever out of my life just like how I removed you from my friendster list years ago. Just a delete button will do and you will be gone from my life without a trace. How naive for me to think like that. You will always be there when people start asking about my past. A question that is inevitable on a first date or meeting up some new friends. People are just curious like that. You would always pop out because you have played a significant role in what I had become, something that I have to admit reluctantly. Forgive and forget they said. I couldn't agree more. I can do that. In fact I did. Yet, the only thing that I manage to forget is the action not the being. No no…is not something that related to a fluttering heart. Is more like how wish I would never have this kind of history. I have to give you the credit that because of you I had become a stronger person and also some sweet memories. I do feel a bit shameful for those irrational actions by me but that also credited to you. Well then, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I am now. Thank you very much. I guess you are going to stuck with me far as my beating heart can go.

So you will be my dirty little secret because I knew I’m your dirty little secret too. ;-)

pause the tragic ending…?

2010-10-28T05:43:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, the fragility of relationship baffles me be it friendship, love or family. Is it really that hard to maintain a relationship? Or we have change; forgotten how precious and hard it is to actually found someone that you can get along with? Are we becoming too individualist and in the same time materialistic? Or become weaker? Telling ourselves that “I need to get out from this mess!” even what we need is just communicate? Are we incapable of speaking our mind? Or too overly drowned in our own ego? Thinking that we deserve more and better one; is his/her lose for losing me? Perhaps, at the same time that person are having the exact same thought. Who knows we might becoming each other ‘excessive baggage’ than can be thrown away just like that. After all we are fungible.

Time is not the essence of relationship. Yet we celebrate it with anniversary. Perhaps, reminding ourselves to be grateful for what we have? Or are we counting down to an ending; wondering how long will this last?

perfect combination…

2010-10-27T04:17:00.001+08:00

I think this is most probably the most perfect combination of a movie with its soundtrack. Tron probably will be mind blowing awesome. It need to be because this is freaking Draft Punk for heaven sake!!!! Did I mentioned that, I actually murmured ‘phuck me’ when watching this trailer?

tunes…

2010-10-26T03:10:00.001+08:00

I found that good music always make me feel so grateful for the life I have. Sometimes, I even feel blessed with love.

Accidentally stumble upon this clip in youtube. I’m instantly in love. Love the drawing and most importantly love the song!

Let’s not forget this, The Blower’s Daughter. One of my all time favourite. Such beauty is beyond any words. The first time I heard it years ago, I actually cried.

This song have one of the most powerful lyric I ever heard.

I’m at peace listening to this song. The cello, the violin, the guitar, the ukulele. Perfection.

♥

is all about control…

2010-10-25T02:20:00.001+08:00

We all have the moments where we are a bit off, not quite ourselves like normal. Perhaps, a bit down or depressive or mood swing or even hormones influence. We all been there and going to be there again and again in future. Is the price that we need to pay for having emotion. So, it all depends on us to pick ourselves up and face it. Just like the saying, when life gives you lemon, make lemonade. Though, once in a while we need external helps to bring us back to our feet again. That’s what family and friends for. However, the ultimate decision is still depends on oneself. No one can force a choice upon us. Even no choice is still a choice.

I won’t mind when friends come and spill all their troubles on me also hoping to get some advices. That’s fine with me. However, keep on coming back to me with the same problem over and over is just plain annoying. What done is done. A history had occurred. Nothing can change the fact. Accept it and move on. Don’t just stuck at the same place and keep on holding to the same thing. Learn how to control your mind. Learn how to steer away those “grey areas” instead of letting it to steer its way into you. If you can’t control your mind how can you control your life? Find something to occupy yourself if you think that “too free” is the reason you would step on those “land mines”.

I once mentioned in my old blog about a heartbroken guy, lets call him “A”. So, A was dumped by his girlfriend but still trying to woo her back. That ex-girlfriend is a b***h. I did discussed it with a mutual friend, lets call him “B”. So I told B that for A situation he is just like a guy trapped in a cave losing his sense of direction and that girl was his torch. Since, having the torch gave that guy the illusion that he is safe. He gives up searching for a way out. So there he is sitting in the pitch black cave staring at the flickering fire not knowing his life is at the mercy of the ticking clock. Eventually, the torch dies off and so does he.

Sartre once said: “Man are what he wills himself to be”. Our mind determines who we are. So, control your mind than let those negativity control you. Heck! Even Prison Break said so “We are the prisoner of our own negativity”. Only you can get yourself out from there. Friends can only do so much from up here, the rest is up to you to kick your legs and climb yourself from this ‘hole’.

loving strangers…

2010-10-24T03:27:00.002+08:00

Is it possible to fall in love with a stranger? Well, if love is without boundary I guess is possible. Anyway, I had rewatched Habitación en Roma, Room in Rome. This movie seriously caused me to have a strong urge to go out and fall in love. Yet again, falling in love ain’t as easy as counting 1,2,3. By the way, I do find that the soundtrack of the movie is fantastic. Such an angelic and pure voice. Be warned though, the clip have explicit naked women scenes. If you can’t handle the topography of a woman curve then better play the clip and minimize your browser. (=

Song written by Jocelyn Pook. Sing by Russian Red

love hate relationship…

2010-10-23T03:57:00.001+08:00

Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Immanuel kant , William Shakespeare, Abraham Lincoln.

Deontology, Consequentialism, Teleology, Utilitarianism.

Asexual, Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual, Transsexual, Pomosexual, Monosexual, Unisexual, Hermaphrodite.

Reading all these things on Wikipedia and others relevance web site hurts my eyes and drained my brain out. Still, it was a friggin absolute informative hours that I ever spend for this whole week of break. I’m so glad that I pick up Sexuality as my moral assignment. I have to admit working on a group assignment by myself is exhausting but it was fun as hell! No, don’t get me wrong. I don’t have any lazy sleazy group members. Is just that I don’t have any group members for this assignment as the class that I joined are mostly juniors. Since, people tends to stick with their own groups. So most people already have their own groups. I’m the odd one as always. So, I guess individualism is the only way to go. I’m cool. Sigh, I used to hate moral so much back in secondary school because I don’t think moral is something that you can study. Like, how to help a person. What you should do in a situation. Those kind of ‘nilai-nilai yang murni’. Bleah! But, this moral unit in University is totally different. It is more focus on philosophy side. Something that I very fond too. This is the first time I actually enjoyed doing an assignment.

p/s: I never knew human being have so many types of sexualities! Geez! Ain’t we a bunch of horny primate?

______________________________________________________________________

The ol’so lovely James Blunt is back! Back to basic, I think? Which is good! Because I don’t really like his sophomore album, “All the Lost Souls”. However, his 3rd album sounds promising!

Stay the Night is a happy song. Those who familiar with his songs might think that he finally have changed. More lively and happy. Well, if looks can be deceiving then a song can be deceiving too.

Aww…tissues anyone? He sure can sings with his soul.

a little bit of love…

2010-10-22T03:48:00.001+08:00

Music plays an important part in my life. I don’t think I can ever survive if one day I wake up and found that the world is a silent place. I would literally die from the quietness. Good music always made me felt grateful for the life I have. I even feel loved when listening to some good tunes.

Perhaps, I’m a more emotional person? My friends commented I’m a morbid person that liked depressive stuff. Some called me emotional. Am I? I really have no idea. I don’t think I’m emotional at all. I rarely get angry. I might be more vocals with my words but as a person, not really. I can be quite rational sometimes to the point that it freaks some of my friends. For them, my look and my personality don’t really match sometimes. HNG! I tend to look the glass half full rather than half empty. A wise man once told me; sometimes we can control our circumstances, sometimes not. But we can control our feelings. I must agree with this.

That’s why sometimes I really can’t stand those emo posting of some people. Especially the recent 10/10/10 date. So many posting regarding that in fb. Some even to the extent that they claimed they weep because there is no special one beside them. I highly doubt so. A bit unrealistic and dramatic.

I know the feeling when sometimes you see some loving couples. Then you start to feel sorry for yourself. It is a vicious cycle. Why not change a point of view? Like blessing them for the love they shared knowing well that how hard it is for two soul to fall in love with each other. Isn’t that something more positive than feeling sorry for you. Pitying yourself did no good to you.

One might be loneliness number but one also the most carefree number. Just look at the character of number 1. A straight vertical line. Nothing tangles up. Just one simple straight line. Ain’t that a beauty? What I try to say is. Yes of course sometimes, one can be very lonesome. But do they really think that getting involved in a relationship is all so rainbow every day? We have the ups and downs, so does number two. Sometimes we long for that extra person in our life. Sometimes, number 2 long to kick a person out of their life. I guess most people just don’t appreciate what they have, end up after things that hardly ours.

Sometimes I also feels that we tends to over weighted the importance of our influence on someone life. How often we actually heard someone saying “Is his lost for breaking up with me” or “I bet he can’t find anyone as good as me”. Sometimes, I really wish to tell them the reality. The truth is, everyone have the right to find someone they love. One might feel betray by the action of the other half but that kind of things can happen on oneself too. If he really doesn’t think that person can be as good as you then he won’t break up with you in the first place. It’s proven that he found someone that is more compatible with him than you. So the former two sayings have no standing at all. It is just a mere saying to comfort one fragile heart.

Einstein once said that “Darkness does not exist because it is merely the lack of light”. So, don’t have to be so pessimistic. This world is not a horrible and sad place to live in. It is all depends on how you view it. If you don’t have the heart to live, how can you have the heart to love? Love does not exist if you lack of will to live.

A lovely song from a Swedish band, “Your hands are full of flowers”.

is just love…

2010-10-20T03:41:00.001+08:00

Habitación en Roma, translated to English is Room in Rome. A Spanish movie that I just watched a moment ago, introduced by my friend. I finally understand why she said that she felt her world is a suck-y place. Seriously, after watching the movie I hunger for the same experience the two protagonist shared in the room. It is one of the most simple yet beautiful love story. The story revolve around two women that they met in a bar then end up in the room. From there own the story starts to expand. I’m not going to call it a lesbian movie because love is love. No gender required. Period.

The film is captivating with its storyline and cinematic narrative devices. The cinematography and the soundtrack is compelling and evocative. The emotional engagement from the two protagonist are absolutely stunning. Love from the very core of the emotion of a human being. The way they caress each other, embracing the curve of the women body. Indulge themselves in sensuality. For those who perceive what you see if what you get then this movie will definitely going to be label as lesbian porn. As the two leads reveal a lot in the movie, completely naked for almost 2 hours. (I got to admit it was a bit uncomfortable for me at first because I don’t fancy woman anatomy at all.) Personally, I feel sorry for those who feel like that. Open your mind! This is a beautiful artsy love story. What you see if not always what you get. Here’s an experiment. Close your eyes and ask someone to touch you. You can feel the touch but you can’t see it. It this your imagination? Definitely not, isn’t it? See, as simple as that.

I also love how the movie used the architecture, the rich historical culture of Rome and the painting to expand the storyline. “Two painting that were painted 20 centuries apart were in the same room whispering to each other” or the part where their fingers run through the Rome maps or the cupid painting on the ceiling. Provocative, seduction, passion, love…

Sometimes, what we need is not a Titanic version of love story. Nothing so dramatic. What we need is a simple and ordinary love story. Something that actually more likely to happen on us then a sinking ship. Something that we are more able to relate to and touches us. Room in Rome does that. It is a simple love story with two ordinary women, strangers. It is love poetry in motion. Stunningly beautiful.

a rumination of life

almost lover…

call me by your name…

epoch…

when love went wrong…

terukir di bintang…

7 days after…

the day after…

15th July…

when love is beyond words…

stole you away…

…

a promise…

i was here…

smokey heart…

let me rant a little…

eargasm…

this cut…

softly beating…

a black heart…

eden…

worse or worsen

light...

if I ever stop loving…

he did not rise…

blindsided…

crazy in the deep…

delicate…

0210…

precious…

is good…

ex…

rephrase…

emphasis…

all i need is truth…

which one?

and she counts down to death…

and off you go…

i’m so bored…

an earlier valentine gift…

short update…

gastronomy…

and i cut…

let me breathe…

table for two…

nothing much…

i’m sorry…

don’t lose yourself…

name on fire and snow…

birdcage religion

sleeping at last…

give me more skins…

what if…

i made lemonade…

a week in a post…

never let me go…

goodbye and hello…

black swan…

bubbly…

paper love…

self-made scrapbook…

grinch perhaps….

is not flare…

on the line...

never let me go...

life as we not know it...

a little oasis...

Candy Says

touched by love...

is freaking 20gb...

nibble and bite me…

shut the phuck up

期。。。

couch potato…

a cakeless birthday…

if only it would be more painful…

don’t give me a kiss yet…

begins with L…

Don't you be fooled I loved you more, than I would ever dare tell you, I'd ever dare tell you. I'll let you go, I'm only holding you back, You're more than a small town, you're more than a small soul.

my love…

Don't you be fooled
I loved you more, than I would ever dare tell you, I'd ever dare tell you.
I'll let you go, I'm only holding you back,
You're more than a small town, you're more than a small soul.