a cold embrace
there are time like this where i feel like there is a huge void within me, so vast, so empty that it drained all my energy. that i do not have the strength to go on anymore. there are just this deep sadness linger on after so long. and there is nothing i could do about it. i tried to distract myself with works, movies, exercise, readings all sort of activities to keep myself busy but that dark, gloomy sadness lingers on. it is frightening. it is scary. as if i could never feel happiness again, ever.
the truth to be told is that i know what is going on. i know what is wrong with me. i am missing someone dearly. i could never thought one could ever loved someone that you never be with before. human being is a very strange creature i must said. or maybe it is just me.
there are so many times i tried to drop you a message to check you up how are you doing so far in the small republic but somehow i just couldn’t click the send button. because i could not bear the coldness you have in the way you reply. the one word reply is the most heart-breaking part. i don’t know when we end up in this way. looking back the conversation we have when we just know each other is totally different. there is at least a two way and intuitive conversations comparing to the way we chat in the last few months. i guess that’s what stopped me to contact you.
but do you know that, i still miss you dearly. this constant void and sadness is too unbearable, sometimes that i break down especially in the middle of the night. nightfall always has its way to let my guard down and just be consume with my emotion. i just couldn’t stop myself. the tears keep flowing in such an uncontrollable way. sobbing in darkness…
the most horrible things is that i do not know when this will pass through and it is starting to worn me down.
i have never felt this tired before in my life. loving someone should not be this exhausting. should not be this painful. but this feeling that i have is real. and i am experiencing it. a friend once asked me would you stop believing in love. i told him i won’t stop believing as love is the greatest things after all.
yet, right now, if you ask me again. i would tell you this, i would not fall in love anymore. it is too painful, too exhausting when the love you gave does not reciprocate. enough is enough. i have gave in so much but what i did i have in the end. i am the one that always being left alone, the one that no one appreciate what i have done.
i just couldn’t open myself up to let myself to be hurt once more…
