You're The One That I Want

You're The One That I Want

Time heals as the saying goes by. In some ways it does hold a certain degree of truth. Perhaps for me it is still not time yet. Otherwise, I won’t be feeling so down after meeting with you. I can’t deny the fact that it was wonderful to finally meeting you again after almost half a year. After that day, at your father wake, I no longer initiate for a meet up with you. Apart from giving you some space, I guess I was also giving myself a chance to let it go.

Yet, as it was proven again this week. I can’t let you go. As much as I wanted to deny the feeling I still have for you, it still echo from faraway memories. I miss you dearly. I love you clearly.

Sitting across the table, there are so many time I just wanted to leap over and hugged you dearly and to tell you everything is ok. I am here. Let me share your sorrow, your burden. Let me take care of you. All I wanted is for you to be happy.

We talked for whole night, we shared our stories. I said many things, but never the truth that I have been dying to let you know. That I still care for you. That I still love you. That I still haven’t let you go. Instead, I told you to get on and find your happiness. It pains me dearly. It was more hurtful when you ask me to have my own happiness as well. I know you mean well, but A, do you know that I still very much hung up on you.

I sometimes, wonder what makes me so crazy over you. What i like you as a person. truthfully, i don’t know. i don’t know what i love about you. but i do know being with you, spending time together, is the most wondrous thing i have done in my entire life. being with you, brings me to places that no one else can.  i could look at you whole day without feeling ever so bore. your smile, brought a smile to my face as well.

that day, at the wake of your father, seeing you in such a devastated state, i cried at my incompetent to protect you. i cried for the sorrow that you need to bear. i cried for the things that you went through. it hit me right at my gut. i feel like i am losing you.

the thing is, i thought being apart from each other so far, my feeling for you would drizzle down. but i guess, that’s not really what happened here. instead, it amplified ever so with your presence.

you shows me that you carried our group photo of five in your wallet, that you never forgot us. but do you know that i carried yours in my wallet as well. the one i that i took with you on your last day in SPI. i also have your other picture at my workplace. at home, i ping the rest at the board in front of my laptop.

i feel like i am losing myself. i guess, the truth is i did. on the day, i lost you, i think, i lost part of me as well.

to the dream i once have

to the dream i once have

many many years ago, i dreamed that i would one day be a writer. published a book of my own with my name on it. or maybe under some fake name with a pseudonym of my creation.

 

i can foresee myself sitting at the corner of my favourite starbucks, sippping a cup of black and with my hand moving swiftly filling the gap in between those tiny button on the keyboard; creating a kingdom of fantasy, or quaint love story of two strangers, or a love torn sad melodramatic story while listening to my favourite songs. as if my imagination, the source of my creation would be drawn from all of this when those criteria was fulfilled.

 

and years go by, no trees were sacrificed to fulfil my dream. i was caught up with one thing that most people have. life. it was like a tangle of string. binding me, bounded me in ways that i could not imagined. i was drifted away in waves and waves of endless ‘life situation’. further away from the quaint spot that i have imagined. from the cup of black, from the favourite song, from the to-be story of my creation.

 

every now and then, when i come across some life affirming post. i would always told myself. i would like to write like this. full with intellectual, honesty and inspiration. then it dawn on me.

 

life is what makes us who we are. life is the source of creation of my to-be story. to experience and to feel and to hear words that is not spoken. to understand what was truly being said rather than to just listen. to look beyond those glossy eyes. to just understand how people feel and how you make them feel.

 

that is the source of creation.

a cold embrace

a cold embrace

there are time like this where i feel like there is a huge void within me, so vast, so empty that it drained all my energy. that i do not have the strength to go on anymore. there are just this deep sadness linger on after so long. and there is nothing i could do about it. i tried to distract myself with works, movies, exercise, readings all sort of activities to keep myself busy but that dark, gloomy sadness lingers on. it is frightening. it is scary. as if i could never feel happiness again, ever.

 

the truth to be told is that i know what is going on. i know what is wrong with me. i am missing someone dearly. i could never thought one could ever loved someone that you never be with before. human being is a very strange creature i must said. or maybe it is just me.

 

there are so many times i tried to drop you a message to check you up how are you doing so far in the small republic but somehow i just couldn’t click the send button. because i could not bear the coldness you have in the way you reply. the one word reply is the most heart-breaking part. i don’t know when we end up in this way. looking back the conversation we have when we just know each other is totally different. there is at least a two way and intuitive conversations comparing to the way we chat in the last few months. i guess that’s what stopped me to contact you.

 

but do you know that, i still miss you dearly. this constant void and sadness is too unbearable, sometimes that i break down especially in the middle of the night. nightfall always has its way to let my guard down and just be consume with my emotion. i just couldn’t stop myself. the tears keep flowing in such an uncontrollable way. sobbing in darkness…

 

the most horrible things is that i do not know when this will pass through and it is starting to worn me down.

 

i have never felt this tired before in my life. loving someone should not be this exhausting. should not be this painful. but this feeling that i have is real. and i am experiencing it. a friend once asked me would you stop believing in love. i told him i won’t stop believing as love is the greatest things after all.

 

yet, right now, if you ask me again. i would tell you this, i would not fall in love anymore. it is too painful, too exhausting when the love you gave does not reciprocate. enough is enough. i have gave in so much but what i did i have in the end. i am the one that always being left alone, the one that no one appreciate what i have done.

 

i just couldn’t open myself up to let myself to be hurt once more…