Gravity

Gravity

Like a comet in the vast universe, aimlessly drifting for millennials, without a destination, without a purpose. Till one fine day, it was caught upon by an invisible force. It gravitate slowly but picking up speed over the time, heading to a distant planet. A lonely one. As it gets closer and closer, all the liquid that froze for million of years starts to vaporize. Barren as it is, a metallic stone comes crashing down on the planet. It had burnt out all his has on his way to here. And now, it was nothing but pebbles and dust. In pieces, he is, he wonder, if gravity was not at fault here, he would still be drifting but perhaps in one whole piece. Is this what he wishes for, or this journey is worthwhile. 

If was a short 10 days trip. But enough to make me realize how much I love you still. How much I miss you. Throughout the years, I thought I have moved on, having a date here and there but nothing ends up as a fruition. There has been a constant void that filled with your memories. 

It was a winter season. So many moments that when you are freezing cold, I wanted to hug you tight. My heart screams with desires to protect you, to shelter you. I guess this is a normal behaviour, wanting to protect someone you love dearly. 

My heart aches when I saw you in despair. I wish there is something more that I could do, to share your burden. But as life has it way, it is your fight, your journey. I wish to tell you, I will always be here supporting you. I will stand by your side if you wish to be. I never really left you. You are not alone. Stay strong and fight on. 

Starting all over again

Starting all over again

For all my life, I have been figuring what is the purpose of life. Why are we here? After all, we are nothing but a speck of dust in the entire universe. 

It is a scary thought, at least for me, to think that my existence here does not in a way have an impact. To leave a legacy of sort, to make a change at least. 

In a constant drift of finding the answer of What and Why, it always have me ending up in a constant flow of endless thought. I have always wanted to do something, to built something from scratch. From inception to creation, the process of researching and figuring, hardship of sweat and tears, resulting in an end produce/product excited me. But, I always ended up with, what do I wanted to do? 

I knew that a nine-to-five job for the rest of my life is not an options. I never wanted to live a normal life, a cookie cutter life that has been instill since we are still a child. To get good grades and end up with a good career, working for someone else. Subsequently, maybe have a family. This kind of formatted life is not my pursuit.

After been in a workforce for 3 years. I am totally burned out. Work has been hectic and it took a toll on me. To be burned out 3 years in my job in such an early stage is not a good sign. I feel like a zombie in this rat race, racing to the top archiving through validation via a pay raise and a promotion title. Constantly, I found myself back to square one. Is this something that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. And the answer, has been a rounding no, regardless of how many time I asked myself this question. 

As with many Malaysian, catching up with friends over a roti canai and teh tarik in Mamak has been a norm. Of so many mamak sessions with my friend, we hatched an idea to venture into a business deal. A partnership to create something that we both have a passion in. A vision that we both shared but different style. It was an interesting concept which we both loved. We are creating a branding and a style of our vision. 

Hence, this is the purpose of this post. To document the process and journey along the way till we launched our product which we target to be in Nov 2016. Make it or break it. The future is uncertain, but somehow it does ignite my passion for life again. Something that excite me to keep me going, to push me forward. It has been 1 month plus since the inception of the idea. We are still very much in infancy. 

I do hope that we will see the fruition of our ideas and visions in a year. 

Finger cross.

To accomplish great things, 
we must not only act but also dream,
not only plan, 
but also believe.

You're The One That I Want

You're The One That I Want

Time heals as the saying goes by. In some ways it does hold a certain degree of truth. Perhaps for me it is still not time yet. Otherwise, I won’t be feeling so down after meeting with you. I can’t deny the fact that it was wonderful to finally meeting you again after almost half a year. After that day, at your father wake, I no longer initiate for a meet up with you. Apart from giving you some space, I guess I was also giving myself a chance to let it go.

Yet, as it was proven again this week. I can’t let you go. As much as I wanted to deny the feeling I still have for you, it still echo from faraway memories. I miss you dearly. I love you clearly.

Sitting across the table, there are so many time I just wanted to leap over and hugged you dearly and to tell you everything is ok. I am here. Let me share your sorrow, your burden. Let me take care of you. All I wanted is for you to be happy.

We talked for whole night, we shared our stories. I said many things, but never the truth that I have been dying to let you know. That I still care for you. That I still love you. That I still haven’t let you go. Instead, I told you to get on and find your happiness. It pains me dearly. It was more hurtful when you ask me to have my own happiness as well. I know you mean well, but A, do you know that I still very much hung up on you.

I sometimes, wonder what makes me so crazy over you. What i like you as a person. truthfully, i don’t know. i don’t know what i love about you. but i do know being with you, spending time together, is the most wondrous thing i have done in my entire life. being with you, brings me to places that no one else can.  i could look at you whole day without feeling ever so bore. your smile, brought a smile to my face as well.

that day, at the wake of your father, seeing you in such a devastated state, i cried at my incompetent to protect you. i cried for the sorrow that you need to bear. i cried for the things that you went through. it hit me right at my gut. i feel like i am losing you.

the thing is, i thought being apart from each other so far, my feeling for you would drizzle down. but i guess, that’s not really what happened here. instead, it amplified ever so with your presence.

you shows me that you carried our group photo of five in your wallet, that you never forgot us. but do you know that i carried yours in my wallet as well. the one i that i took with you on your last day in SPI. i also have your other picture at my workplace. at home, i ping the rest at the board in front of my laptop.

i feel like i am losing myself. i guess, the truth is i did. on the day, i lost you, i think, i lost part of me as well.

to the dream i once have

to the dream i once have

many many years ago, i dreamed that i would one day be a writer. published a book of my own with my name on it. or maybe under some fake name with a pseudonym of my creation.

 

i can foresee myself sitting at the corner of my favourite starbucks, sippping a cup of black and with my hand moving swiftly filling the gap in between those tiny button on the keyboard; creating a kingdom of fantasy, or quaint love story of two strangers, or a love torn sad melodramatic story while listening to my favourite songs. as if my imagination, the source of my creation would be drawn from all of this when those criteria was fulfilled.

 

and years go by, no trees were sacrificed to fulfil my dream. i was caught up with one thing that most people have. life. it was like a tangle of string. binding me, bounded me in ways that i could not imagined. i was drifted away in waves and waves of endless ‘life situation’. further away from the quaint spot that i have imagined. from the cup of black, from the favourite song, from the to-be story of my creation.

 

every now and then, when i come across some life affirming post. i would always told myself. i would like to write like this. full with intellectual, honesty and inspiration. then it dawn on me.

 

life is what makes us who we are. life is the source of creation of my to-be story. to experience and to feel and to hear words that is not spoken. to understand what was truly being said rather than to just listen. to look beyond those glossy eyes. to just understand how people feel and how you make them feel.

 

that is the source of creation.

a cold embrace

a cold embrace

there are time like this where i feel like there is a huge void within me, so vast, so empty that it drained all my energy. that i do not have the strength to go on anymore. there are just this deep sadness linger on after so long. and there is nothing i could do about it. i tried to distract myself with works, movies, exercise, readings all sort of activities to keep myself busy but that dark, gloomy sadness lingers on. it is frightening. it is scary. as if i could never feel happiness again, ever.

 

the truth to be told is that i know what is going on. i know what is wrong with me. i am missing someone dearly. i could never thought one could ever loved someone that you never be with before. human being is a very strange creature i must said. or maybe it is just me.

 

there are so many times i tried to drop you a message to check you up how are you doing so far in the small republic but somehow i just couldn’t click the send button. because i could not bear the coldness you have in the way you reply. the one word reply is the most heart-breaking part. i don’t know when we end up in this way. looking back the conversation we have when we just know each other is totally different. there is at least a two way and intuitive conversations comparing to the way we chat in the last few months. i guess that’s what stopped me to contact you.

 

but do you know that, i still miss you dearly. this constant void and sadness is too unbearable, sometimes that i break down especially in the middle of the night. nightfall always has its way to let my guard down and just be consume with my emotion. i just couldn’t stop myself. the tears keep flowing in such an uncontrollable way. sobbing in darkness…

 

the most horrible things is that i do not know when this will pass through and it is starting to worn me down.

 

i have never felt this tired before in my life. loving someone should not be this exhausting. should not be this painful. but this feeling that i have is real. and i am experiencing it. a friend once asked me would you stop believing in love. i told him i won’t stop believing as love is the greatest things after all.

 

yet, right now, if you ask me again. i would tell you this, i would not fall in love anymore. it is too painful, too exhausting when the love you gave does not reciprocate. enough is enough. i have gave in so much but what i did i have in the end. i am the one that always being left alone, the one that no one appreciate what i have done.

 

i just couldn’t open myself up to let myself to be hurt once more…

tessellate

tessellate

what a powerful word. at least it is for me at the moment. i mean, the word does mean, to decorate a floor with mosaic using tiles. every piece counts.

 

dear friend, every since that fateful night where we have a heated argument. i’m sensing we are drifting further away, unfortunately so. if i have the chance, i would take it right back that night. i would shut myself and let it be. it is just not worth it for us to drift apart. though, you still insisting nothing changes between us. the only thing that changed was me. but my friend, feeling don’t lie. you have no idea how much i wanted us to be back when we could just be at ease with each other, with no awkwardness in between.

 

it breaks my heart where once two friends that was close drifted into such a distance. now we barely speaks to each other at all.

 

is a gamble that i took and it costs me dearly. i finally understand why some people would rather keep their feeling to themselves than to fess up.

 

the end of october is in nigh. it frightens me. where does this lead us? would we slowly drift apart and become a stranger? or would we still keep in touch?

 

though, i have been saying i never keep in touch with people that i have fallen into. but the truth is, i have every intend to do so. yet, the reason i withdraw myself was to see how many of them actually think that i am worthy enough to be keep in their friend list. how many of them willing to take the effort to do so.

 

sadly not one of them.

 

i can’t foresee what we would become in future. maybe we would lost in touch. maybe we won’t. the future is filled with unpredictability.

 

my only wish is that i hope we don’t end things like this. like how we are right know. even if we drift apart at least it ended on a sweet note rather than on the sour side.

 

i am sorry of how things turn out, my friend. believe me, truly believe me, it was never ever my intention to do so. you could never imagine how awful it makes me feel. how much pain it bores on me.

 

if we never ever get back to how awesome we are as a friend back then, i am sincerely sorry.

 

truly…

heal for the honey

heal for the honey

ever since i stopped blogging since last year abandoning my music blog, shutting down my another years old personal blog and deserting this space for eons. i never found the right timing, or the epiphany to get back here to do what i love to do.

 

i don’t know, maybe life caught up with me. or i outgrew blogging. or i just never have the time or strength to scribbles anything down in words anymore. or maybe i have lost my mojo plain and simple.

 

but never ever have i felt so compel to express my love for brooke waggoner . ever since i discovered her on 8tracks. i am madly in love with her ever soothing and immaculate voice. almost angelic at time. her songs just keep giving goosebumps over and over again sending chill down my spine. it is that eerie good!

 

tina fey once said that she believes that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich, but I think if she heard her songs, she might change that statement.

 

what i really want in life is to sit in peace and enjoy a beautiful song with a tub of ice cream.  : )

 

 

 

Points of light
Shooting' through the tree-stained vines
It draws me in
To catch a fistful of wind and chime

 

Poised, unrefined
Delicate and loosely loosely lined
Oh I am a dreamer
But I'll deny it til' the day I die

 

'Cause all day long I heal for the honey
Waitin' for the one I love
The noons are hot with heartache aplenty
I'm lovesick and undone