tessellate

tessellate

what a powerful word. at least it is for me at the moment. i mean, the word does mean, to decorate a floor with mosaic using tiles. every piece counts.

 

dear friend, every since that fateful night where we have a heated argument. i’m sensing we are drifting further away, unfortunately so. if i have the chance, i would take it right back that night. i would shut myself and let it be. it is just not worth it for us to drift apart. though, you still insisting nothing changes between us. the only thing that changed was me. but my friend, feeling don’t lie. you have no idea how much i wanted us to be back when we could just be at ease with each other, with no awkwardness in between.

 

it breaks my heart where once two friends that was close drifted into such a distance. now we barely speaks to each other at all.

 

is a gamble that i took and it costs me dearly. i finally understand why some people would rather keep their feeling to themselves than to fess up.

 

the end of october is in nigh. it frightens me. where does this lead us? would we slowly drift apart and become a stranger? or would we still keep in touch?

 

though, i have been saying i never keep in touch with people that i have fallen into. but the truth is, i have every intend to do so. yet, the reason i withdraw myself was to see how many of them actually think that i am worthy enough to be keep in their friend list. how many of them willing to take the effort to do so.

 

sadly not one of them.

 

i can’t foresee what we would become in future. maybe we would lost in touch. maybe we won’t. the future is filled with unpredictability.

 

my only wish is that i hope we don’t end things like this. like how we are right know. even if we drift apart at least it ended on a sweet note rather than on the sour side.

 

i am sorry of how things turn out, my friend. believe me, truly believe me, it was never ever my intention to do so. you could never imagine how awful it makes me feel. how much pain it bores on me.

 

if we never ever get back to how awesome we are as a friend back then, i am sincerely sorry.

 

truly…

heal for the honey

heal for the honey

ever since i stopped blogging since last year abandoning my music blog, shutting down my another years old personal blog and deserting this space for eons. i never found the right timing, or the epiphany to get back here to do what i love to do.

 

i don’t know, maybe life caught up with me. or i outgrew blogging. or i just never have the time or strength to scribbles anything down in words anymore. or maybe i have lost my mojo plain and simple.

 

but never ever have i felt so compel to express my love for brooke waggoner . ever since i discovered her on 8tracks. i am madly in love with her ever soothing and immaculate voice. almost angelic at time. her songs just keep giving goosebumps over and over again sending chill down my spine. it is that eerie good!

 

tina fey once said that she believes that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich, but I think if she heard her songs, she might change that statement.

 

what i really want in life is to sit in peace and enjoy a beautiful song with a tub of ice cream.  : )

 

 

 

Points of light
Shooting' through the tree-stained vines
It draws me in
To catch a fistful of wind and chime

 

Poised, unrefined
Delicate and loosely loosely lined
Oh I am a dreamer
But I'll deny it til' the day I die

 

'Cause all day long I heal for the honey
Waitin' for the one I love
The noons are hot with heartache aplenty
I'm lovesick and undone

what have i done

what have i done

after so long, we finally have a heated argument. i could no longer hold back. i guess the same happens to you. perhaps like you said, i am pushing you over the edge. and it scares me. it scares me that this is it. the end. the end of our friendship. or ‘friendship’ as you put it.

 

it breaks my heart to see what have i done. trust me when i said i never intend it to happen that way. i guess, i was just overwhelmed by all the negativity building up deep inside me and i just burst.

 

i don’t know how i can make you see what i see or feel what i feel. i am not asking you to be with me my dear friend. the moment when you rejected me, i already know it for sure.

 

but my dear friend, the reason why i am acting what i did was because i can feel that i am losing you, forever.

 

you never shows you would want to maintain our friendship after you left for good. and that scares me. that put me in such an insecure place. i know i have been telling you that i won’t contact with anyone that i have fallen in love with because the pain is too much to bear.

 

but do you know, the reason why i said what i said?

 

i was waiting you to said, if you not going to contact me, i will contact you. even if it is a lie, it would makes me feel so much better. to feel appreciated that i am a friend that is meant to keep. at least it shows that our friendship meant something to you.

 

did you realised even after we have so much talk on this issue, you are still waiting for me to initiate any sort of contact. that’s the reason why i told you, if i stopped contacting you, you would not contact me at all. this is how a relationship starts to drift apart. you may not agree but look around how many people have become a stranger after years of losing contact? how many of them have the awkwardness when they met each other? the conversation would just stuck on the good old’ time. eventually, people would see no point of meeting up since we just repeating over the same thing over and over again.

 

i love you. that is for sure. and i wanted to be with you. and that is for sure as well. and this is something that is not going to happen at all. and i know it for sure.

in the name of love…

in the name of love…

after more than a year i am back to this space to scribble down a piece of my memory. i thought i have lost my ability to express through words since i have left this space stagnant for such a long time. well, i guess i am the type that find it extremely easy for me to share out my feeling when i am in the aftermath of a lost love.

well i am not exactly having a relationship per said. however i did fallen in love just not with the right person. of all the people out there, ok maybe just guys out there i have to fall for a straight guy. as if the universe if playing a joke with me. they said everything happens for a reason but up till now i still having difficulties to find the silver lining in this.

it haven’t been easy for the past few months. ever since i confessed my feeling in last year november and of course getting rejected, i haven’t been the most cheerful person as before. it is like there was a hollow deep inside, a sorrow looming around with a sense of self pity. in some way resemble a cat licking its own wounds. of course i shall never deny every now and then i would ask the question why. why such things happen again after several years down the road where i swear i shall never blushed over a straight guy especially after what happened years ago. why i am the one that always ended up getting hurt. the one that left behind. the one that after giving in so many things yet at the end i am nothing but empty handed. from the roommate to the first ever relationship that i truly have to the one that i am so helplessly in love now. it is frustration talking i acknowledge that yet still one but help to wonder.

am i not deserve to found my happiness? to have a solid relationship?

i miss the time we laughed together. truly laughed out loud over something and chatted non stop without reservation, without boundaries, without cautions. the very clear definition of friendship, a good one i might add. although, i must said what i wanted is more than that. and so i did it, i confessed my feeling to you and that’s when everything comes to a halt. things changed. you asked my before have i regretted my decision that night. frankly speaking i am divided in half. half for no, i am glad i did it and shall have no regret for telling who i am or what i am and the feeling i have for you. one shall never be ashamed of the love that one have for another person. at least that is my belief. i felt like there was some immense weight being lift off from my chest. however the other part of me can’t help but to ask myself at what cost? part of me regretted it because what i yearn for, the connection between you and i is gone. we have restricted ourselves in some ways, more cautions with our tongues, as if we have planned it out before we speaks. nothing was ever spontaneous after that. it worn us down. at least it worn me down. nothing was ever simple after that. sometimes, no scratch that, lot of time words caught in my throat and i chose to swallow it down for fear it would worsen our so called friendship. if there is one…

ever since i know you’re leaving for singapore i am in a downward spiral. because knowing myself, after you left i would never see you again. i shall miss you truly, not that i am not missing you now. i missed you every single moment. i liked the way you smile and laugh. i liked the simplicity you have. the attitude you have about life and of course the way you look. though close friends of mine have a double take on my definition of good look, but for me your look is perfection in my book. i guess the chinese saying is true after all. there are time when i wish i could just hug you tightly, squeezing you in my embrace afraid that you might just vanish. there are time when i hope i could do anything and everything to shower you with love and taking care of you for the rest of my life. there are time when i wish i could kiss you ever so lightly on your lips or a peck on you cheek or a tender one on your forehead. yes, i told you i love you but you would never know the depth of my love for you. i am not the kind to easily fall in love nor to carry the three magical words around. but when i utter it out it means a whole world to me. and again you would never find it out do you?

my friend, i am surely to miss you when you leave. there are something special about you that made me feel in this way. i am sadden that you are leaving in a two months time. two months is such a short period of time! heck! i was never ever so happy when i met you. this short period of time brings more happiness than to what my previous relationship brought to me. you may not love me but i do. i do love you. that is one thing i can surely affirmed off. always…